An open letter to coconut

Dear coconut,

I’m writing to tell you that I’m sorry I’ve been so distant. It’s just that we’ve been fighting so much lately. I’d blame myself, but we haven’t been happy for a long time, and I just can’t do this anymore. I want out. It’s not you, it’s me. Ok, it’s mostly you.

You’re trying to be something you’re not. You act like you’re flavorful fruit to be fawned over, but with your shredded paper-like consistency, who do you think you’re fooling? The only people who like the drinks you’re in are people who must enjoy consuming suntan lotion for a buzz.  Needless to say, your family tree, however breezy sitting under the leaves may be some days, leaves a bad taste in my mouth. That’s not a metaphor.

When I tried you with shrimp, I thought you’d changed. Your warm, crunchy essence brought me much delight, and I thought maybe we could have a future again. When I found out you were toasted, I’ll admit I enjoyed your fun, adventurous side. But, as I watched you sober up the next day, I realized the mistake I had made and knew you’d never be the dependable dessert topping I’d desire.

Yes, we’ve shared some times I’ll never forget. Granted, thinking back, they’re mostly bad.

For instance, at my tenth birthday party at the YMCA, realizing upon biting into my cake that you covered ¼ of the thing alongside those gross, colored marshmallows. Were you trying to ruin my birthday or did you really think I’d like seeing you with colored marshmallows? That’s just another reason we can never be together – I absolutely can’t stand your friends.

And what about the time I noticed you were thrown in among my trail mix? I very nearly threw you in my recyclable paper bin thinking someone had littered into my snack. If you could have been recycled into something useful, like packaging material or a paper pad, I think we could have been great friends.  

To say I love you, but I’m not in love with you would be blatantly lying. To say that you want more than I’m willing to give is the overstatement of the year. I’m just not ready for a relationship right now, because what I want is for you not to exist in this world anymore. Besides, it’s time I found out what other food groups have to offer.

I recently saw you hanging all over some chicken at the new Chinese place in town. Just seeing you running around with that piece of meat was enough to make me never eat at that restaurant again. I knew you were stingy, but I didn’t know you were that cheap. For both our sakes, I think we should just go our separate ways.

Don’t worry, coconut. I know you’ll find someone better, someone who can appreciate all of you. Someone who’s absolutely cuckoo for coconuts. It just can’t be me.

Best regards,


3 responses to “An open letter to coconut

  1. While I respect your opinion regarding coco nut, I feel that you were way too rough on the colored marshmellows. After all, we are very friendly and accomodating to many salads. Also, speaking in favor of my friend coco nut, he is a distant cousin to cocoa and where I come from, that ain’t all bad. :o)

  2. Lol this funny I love your letter. Sorry it didn’t work out for the both of you. What fruit are you seeing now? 😀

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