Are you a Wal-Mart junkie?

Opinions expressed below subject to the author only and are in no way an attempt to skew quiz results. In the event you do, however, turn out to be a Wal-Mart junkie, please leave your name, phone number and address so she can reprehend you accordingly.

Wal-Mart. The very word sends shivers down my spine and instills in me a severe need to shower immediately. Wal-Mart is the sole reason I buy my groceries and products at 50 percent markup at Walgreens, but don’t get me wrong— If I could acquire these items from the Schwan’s man outside my own front door at 100 percent markup, I would. The pricing may be outrageous, but shopping at Walgreens solidifies the fact that I will live at least 50 percent longer due to maintained blood pressure and that I will not inevitably walk around an enormous store for five straight hours with a cart that stubbornly wants to turn at a 90-degree angle. Chances are exceptionally smaller that I will murder someone or be involved in some sort of heist. Chances are also slighter that I will contract your annoying child’s cold while waiting in the checkout line for the approximate span of one lifetime or be assaulted by an 80-year-old greeter.

So, on that note, let’s get started! Are you a Wal-Mart junkie? Take this quiz to find out!

1. How often do you find yourself in some sort of abyss that remarkably resembles a Wal-Mart?
                a. Never! That place is for monkeys.
                b. Once a month. What, I have coupons!
                c. Oh, always. I love the $5 movie bin!

2. When you spot someone you know at Wal-Mart, what is your course of action?
                a. Hid immediately. Lingering at a Wal-Mart is like lingering at Jurassic Park—AFTER the velociraptors are free.
                b. I make contact, but stick to my list. Avoiding eye contact in Wal-Mart is my superhuman skill.
                c. Oh, God— I LOVE finding people I know! I just-jab-jab-jab-jab jabber away!!! (Insert maniacal laugh here.)

3. What is your approach to parking at a Wal-Mart?
               a. Garden Center. Less of a line, closer parking for such a quick experience—I can almost forget I was even there, except for these damn nightmares…
               b. Haphazardly sideways to coincide with the rest of those crazy drivers.
                c. Oh, I walk. I don’t go to Wal-Mart to shop; I go to stare creepily at people on a dirty bench near the bathrooms with my fly open.

4. If I looked into your shopping cart, what would I find?
                a. The necessities: shaving cream, paper towels and toothpaste.
                b. All my groceries, my one-hour photos and a few toiletry items.
                c. Oh, gosh, what DON’T I get?! Some throw pillows, a Subway sandwich, new tires, a birthday card for my boy, Jeff, Chef Boyardee, a haircut at SuperCuts, my paycheck cashed, and—oh, yeah—I work there, too!

5. Why…
                a. Why do Wal-Marts exist? To make my life infinitely worse.
                b. Eh, why not?
                c. Oh, why does it have to be a crime to love Wal-Mart so much!? I’d live there if I could, like Natalie Portman when she’s preggers inWhere the Heart Is.” Wait, do you think they have that in the $5 movie bin?

6. No, why is it always busy at Wal-Mart, regardless of what time you go?
                a. Because God hates you and abandoned that hellhole years ago.
                b. Because people are creatures of habit and Wal-Mart always has sweet rollbacks.
                c. Oh, I haven’t left in four days. There’s a group of us. We each man a different department. You better hope you don’t need dish detergent tonight; Lonnie’s got his pants off over there.

Now, check your answers.

If you answered mostly A’s: Congratulations! Chances are, you don’t suck at life or enjoy throngs of people and crying children. Good for you. Now, relax on the couch, pick up your laptop and order all your shopping list items from a website. So what if your strawberries are a smashed, moldy mess by the time they’re delivered—it’s not like you had to pick them out yourself. Plus, your abs have never looked better from all those endless nights spent on the bathroom floor battling food poisoning. It’s worth it, it’s worth it…

Mostly B’s: You’re a realistic person who realizes that when it comes to Wal-Mart, it’s about playing the odds. Sure, you might run into a few crazies, but you can get 300 rolls of toilet paper for a nickel, so you don’t care. You’re one of the few people at Wal-Mart who showers daily, so walking into the store fills you with an sad sense of pride and pretentiousness. However, if someone called you or asked what you did that day, you would never bring up the shopping trip and might instead refer to “Wal-Mart” as “Target.”

Mostly C’s: Wait, how did you get out of that tightly wrapped, white straightjacket? You sneaky mammal. Your love of Wal-Mart is not only apparent through your impressive collection of crappy movies and ice pops, but also through your constant use of the word, “Oh.” It’s as if you’re referring to Wal-Mart as a dear friend. For example, most people would say, “Oh, that Jared, he never knows when to stop eating Subway sandwiches.” Wal-Mart for you, on the other hand, is your life, wellbeing and number one love. You’d star in commercials if you could but unfortunately, even Wal-Mart has taken out a restraining order on you.

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