SIOUX CITY—In an exclusive interview with a 1,500-pound black Angus bull who wishes to remain nameless, light was shed on the aggressive actions of Sioux City police officers who were in the midst of the scene when all Hell broke loose.
“I thought I was to remain nameless!” the bull snorted angrily, oblivious to the common English phrase. “…Ah, crap.”
Hell was seen nonchalantly roaming the prairie free on June 19, greedily gobbling up Amanda Pence’s hosta plants, bluegrass lawn and even being as brazen as to rest under a towering shade tree.
“I planted that tree specifically to shade my family and me,” Pence stated in a previous interview on the matter. “I went out to read The Family Circle just as I always do under that very tree and what did I find? An overzealous cow eating my azaleas while stealing the only sun-free zone of my backyard. Reprehensible.”
The bull, owned by Dolf and Mercedes Ivener, had escaped through an unlatched gate at the Ivener’s farm. He was shot fifteen times by officers who decided to kill him in the interest of public safety.
“Unfortunately, we were fresh out of tranquilizer guns,” said Police Chief Doug Young. “And we simply didn’t have enough time to call Animal Control. Because, come on! Who doesn’t enjoy a good faceoff! Come ooooon!”
“God, I love that movie,” he added, chuckling softly.
Cindy Beyer, who owns a farm north of Sioux City and arrived at the scene thinking Hell might be theirs, said the whole ordeal was just horrible. “They shot and they shot again and they shot again. And then they shot again,” she said.
“At first I thought it was a racist thing,” Hell said. “I mean, do you have to mention that I’m a black Angus bull? What does that have to do with anything? And I’d appreciate if my weight wasn’t brought into this whole thing. As if I’m not sensitive enough at this time.”
“I do appreciate being called ‘beefy’ though,” he commented thoughtfully. “I’d like to think I’m an attractive animal,” he said, flexing his pecs while searching for approval in the interviewer’s eyes, glancing down to smile proudly at his trick, then quickly looking up again to gage any jealous reactions. “Eh? Ehh?”
Shooting the bull was tragic and unfortunate said Young.
“Gee, ya think?” Hell commented sarcastically. “I’m a nice guy. It was complete bull shit!”
Hamburger Hoopla huge success
In related news, black Angus burgers and steaks were plentiful at the county’s annual Hamburger Hoopla, which ironically fell the very weekend of the shooting.
City Manager Paul Eckert acknowledged that officials learn from every experience. “We pass our regrets on to the Ivener family,” he said. “We appreciate the loss to them.”
Eckert was later seen tearing viciously into a medium-well steak, asking between hungry mouthfuls, “Is this from one of those free-range cows? This steak is just so juicy.”
Mercedes Ivener said she and her husband appreciated the sentiment.
“It’s the closest thing to saying, “We screwed up,” she said.
Story inspired from an Omaha World-Herald article no longer available online from June 2009. Some facts remain unchanged.