How to snag a cyber stalker

With billions of people worldwide tapping into social media websites to connect with old friends, family and classmates, it’s a wonder anyone can stand out enough to warrant their own cyber stalker nowadays. And, because personal information is spread out across such a wide variety of social venues, desensitization has uprooted in the hearts of those who used to scour the web for a single digit of a social security number.

Feel like you’re just not getting the respect and attention you deserve online? Here are a few helpful tips to get that shadow lurking back in your life faster than you can say “Peter Pan.”

1.        Voice when you are alone, especially at night, and especially if you’re a helpless women. I recommend “checking in” where you are at all times using Foursquare. Add as many strangers as you can. Regularly remark on how incompetent you are.

2.       You know that green checkmark that appears next to secure websites? That’s not for you. Only click on vulnerable websites that have pop-up ads immediately fill your computer screen. Enter in as much personal information as possible. Information will exponentially expand across the cyber world. Pat yourself on the back and grab a cookie. You’re screwed.

3.       There’s always someone who had the hots for you in high school. Chances are, they had relentless acne, bad social skills and infinite knowledge of WoW or how to get that stubborn raccoon out from under the deck. Reunite with this person. They’re the modern-day pyramid scheme. They will lead you to other potential stalkers.

4.       You wouldn’t get in an unmarked van just for candy anymore, would you? This isn’t child’s play. Step it up. Sell yourself. Literally.

5.       Buy, buy, buy! Sell, sell, sell! The more your home address, credit card information and phone numbers are out there, the better. Piss people off by not closing sales. Give them updated ways of reaching you at all times.

6.       Create a list of your fears. Post the list in as many places as possible.

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