New Kids (on the Chopping Block)

 (I wrote this ”article” upon seeing an actual article of the comeback tour of the New Kids on the Block in the Grand Island Independent. While most of it is made up, there are a few facts sprinkled in throughout and the quote by Wahlberg is real, as seen in the Independent.)

NEW YORK—Imagine my surprise (and immediate delight) to see that boy band hysteria has once again been revived at a celebration one can only describe as “emotionally draining.” Both tears of job and multi-colored bras flying with abandoned virtue onstage were seen at the occasion commemorating none other than the (what I can only assume) long-awaited reunion tour of the New Kids on the Block.

However, kids were scarcely seen at the event possibly due to the fact that it’s not the 80’s and we don’t live in Never-Never Land anymore, Peter. After 14 years of being the new kids, then the mouthy teens, and finally, grown, living-off-childhood-stardom-cash-and-probably-on-their parent’s-couches adults on the block, five grown men took the stage with desperate hopes to again ignite the craze, popularity and burning hot fire in girls’ (and possibly guys’) loins.

Donnie Wahlberg, Danny Wood, Joey McIntyre and Jordan and Jonathan Knight all owned the stage with the obviously rehearsed vivaciousness of their back-then personas: Cute Bad-Ass Juvie Kid, Cute Baby-Faced Eventually Digs Dudes Kid, Cute Multi-Ethnic Junkie Kid, Cute Scholastic Has Something to Fall Back on Kid, and Cute One-Hit Wonder Entitled “Stay the Same” Tight Pleather Pants Wearing Kid.

Women in their twenties and thirties took precedence in the crowd, clutching their cherished fan notebooks, lunchboxes and particularly lusted over boy band doll protectively to their chests with all the passion that a boyfriend-less, cat loving, and pictures of the band decorating many a fridge/ceiling above the bed women can muster.

The men, now in their 30’s, belted out old and new hits into the night air, which hung thick with, what recent studies have shown, 70 percent anticipation and 30 percent dread. Old hits such as “I’ll Be Loving You (Forever),” “You Got It (The Right Stuff),” and “Hangin’ Tough (In a Funky Way),” were intermingled with songs from their new album, portraying the fact that the band’s old love of parentheses has been replaced with mature, depth-defying hits such as “Sexify My Love,” “2 in the Morning,” and “Single.”

In an exclusive interview with The Associated Press, an overly-convincing Mark Wahlberg made it easy to see that the grown-up process in choosing song titles for the new album corresponded well with his remarkable educational background.

“I’m not some guy that is desperate, you know?” said Wahlberg. “I didn’t, like, need to go and do this to make money and stuff like that. I got a good career. I got plenty of things going on in my life. It’s not like I needed this to bail me out of any mess or anything. It’s just right. It just felt right.”

Those who missed this magical show can get their fill of this pop band sensation when they hit up Omaha in November, proving once again that washed-up singers really don’t have the capability to get over it and move on with their lives.

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