Tropical depression just can’t snap out of it

FLORIDA—Tropical Depression 3 was last seen blowing hysterically across the Bahamas in a fit of desperation and calamity, dispelling a tear flow of over 15,347 cubic feet per second (cfs) along the way. Fearing the worst, the National Hurricane Center has been carefully trailing the growing rain cloud for days.

“At the rate he’s going, he’s never going to last long enough to become a hurricane,” scoffed Tropical Storm Bonnie. Seen just moments before at Tropical Depression 3’s house, some say the cause of the depression’s despair may have been from a very recent breakup.

“That depression hadn’t moved in days – he just sat on the couch all day and ate chips in his boxer shorts!” exclaimed an exasperated Bonnie. “I can’t do everything for him.”

Because no one knows what Tropical Depression 3 is capable of doing in his current state, officials have issued a visitor and resident evacuation warning, with plans to open shelters at 5 p.m. at local school gymnasiums “for anyone feeling a need to relocate to a more protected location.”

“I just don’t feel safe around him anymore,” said one local. “Poor guy. He whined all the time, but his waves were legit.”

“If he tries to sink my boat, I’m going to kill him,” said a close friend of the depression. “I just put in a cabin bar. And he’s gonna need somewhere to mack on hot storms out of his league.”

“His depression just got worse and worse,” noted a long-term visitor. “I don’t think he could stand the fact that Bonnie thought she was better than him, being an actual storm and all.”

Tropical Depression 3 was last seen drowning his sorrows at a local shipwreck in the Gulf Coast. When reached for comment, he said the darkness of the oil matched the darkness of his heart.

 “Can’t even give me a real name,” the depression remarked bitterly. “My misery is a bronze medal,” he finished, tossing back his sixth tequila shot.

Several forecast models show that the depression’s condition could worsen, depending on bottled up emotions. However, based on bottles of liquor consumed, it’s safe to say the depression will fizzle and wake up in his own bowel movements before the end of the night.

Inspired from a 2010 CNN article.

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