An article on animal militants in Time stated the Afghan Taliban has allegedly begun training monkeys to retaliate against occupying NATO forces. Enticed through bananas, peanuts and free Curious George viewings as a reward for stellar arms-wielding capabilities, the monkeys are educated on the mechanics behind firing automatic weapons. Primarily of macaque and baboon descent, these monkeys share a predisposed hatred for peace, civility and NPR.
Monkeys, who have been using their own poo as a form of weaponry for years, seemed an ideal choice for the making of a first-rate rebel. And, brandishing such accurate poo precision, one can only question why grenades weren’t an obvious inclusion to the training process.
“If a person who loves animals knows the monkeys may be injured in the war, they might pressure the government to force the withdrawal of western forces in Afghanistan,” said one Taliban insider, as reported in People’s Daily. Yeah. Probably not.
Brainwashed by around-the-clock screenings of Planet of the Apes and teamed through a mutual loathing of sand between their toes, the monkeys learn to fire AK-47s, light machine guns and trench mortars. They are also taught to identify and attack soldiers wearing U.S. military uniforms. Just for fun, the monkeys are also schooled on how to sell gum and women to foreigners.
Personally, I don’t see how handing a wild animal a automatic weapon could possibly go wrong. Operant conditioning and human likeness aside, what other animal than the monkey really has the gritty motivation and liberal attitude to kill?
Here’s a computer-animated depiction of what the training might look like. Complete faith in the monkey’s understanding of the uses and reasons for arms appears to compensate for lack of protection.
View the Time article here.