WASHINGTON—As weekend festivities draw to an close and another Monday morning quickly approaches, workers everywhere are seen trudging to work in a manner that suggests they’re about to meet their maker. That is, those who even bother to show up at all.
The Center of Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) released a detailed report today revealing startlingly new statistics on the spread of cases of the Mondays throughout the U.S. The report confirmed that cases of the Mondays has doubled since 2008, a statistic that has grown as exponentially as the recent worrisome outbreak of girls posing in photos with the highly contagious fish lip pucker. Shudder.
“I should be out there playing a round of golf with my buddies right now,” said a cranky President and CEO of CDC John Ashton, “but instead, I’m being a grownup and giving you this professional interview.”
“Seriously, look how nice it is outside! Stupid work always gets in the way of my fun,” he added, with the perfected pout of a three-year-old about to throw a monstrous tantrum.
The symptoms of a case of the Mondays include grudgingly attending work Monday morning after a feverish attempt to think of an excuse out of it late Sunday night. Symptoms can also include bitter feelings, loss of motivation, and nausea at the thought of not completing the big project that was due last Friday. Oftentimes these symptoms can develop into a serious bout of hooky. If you haven’t attended work for three or more days in a row or don’t know if you even still have a job, it is advised you seek a physician immediately.
So how do you know when you’ve got a bad case of the Mondays?
“It’s harder to tell than you think,” acclaimed case of the Mondays expert Sandra Williams told the press, “but if you’re one of the 95 percent of Facebook users who use their status to complain that it’s Monday EVERY Monday, you’re probably at risk.”
Because the onset of case of the Mondays’ symptoms almost always appear like clockwork Sunday, some workers often confuse a stubborn hangover for the disease. Doctors nationwide have seen a rash of workers coming into the office and mistaking the two, and are urging workers to forego an unnecessary trip to the clinic. Instead, they recommend workers take two Tylenol, drink plenty of water, calm the $*%& down and grow up already.
The CDC recommends that certain people acquire the case of the Mondays vaccine as soon as possible to prevent the disease from spiraling out of control. These target groups include men and women between the ages of 23-65, breadwinners who support a family of 12 or more, superheroes and President Obama.
For those who cannot afford the costly vaccine, support groups are being held in major metropolitan areas every Sunday evening. Consult your local Chamber of Commerce to find times and locations in a city near you.