Linkin Park, Nickelback unite for worst tour ever

SEATTLE—Nickelback Producer Robert “Mutt” Lange announced today the band will be headlining with Linkin Park in an upcoming fall tour, aptly named “Really? You Paid to See This?”

The tour, which will begin in Seattle, Wash. in early September, was designed to influentially fuse Linkin Park’s acclaimed “rap metal” racket with Nickelback’s “post-grunge crap” sound. To weed out true fans, tickets are only available to potential concertgoers who complete an elaborate treasure hunt, comprised of useless band trivia no one cares about. Final contestants must then demonstrate a compelling display of their utter abandonment of core musical values.

“It’s been a dream of ours forever to play with such a God-awful band,” said Linkin Park’s lead singer Chester Bennington. “I think we’ll take away from this opportunity even more ways to become musically-inept and lyrically shallow.”

 “The band was sitting together one day and we thought, why not work with Linkin Park?” said Nickelback’s lead singer Chad Kroeger. “The commonalities between bands is so obvious. By alternating the same tempo of singing with screaming in each album, they somehow ingeniously manage to make every song sound exactly the same. And people never know if it’s us, Shinedown, Hinder, Daughtry or Three Days Grace on the radio. Combining our styles together gives us the perfect blend of indistinct garbage.

The members of Linkin Park agreed.

 “We made millions off the “Reanimation” album,” commented Bennington, “and we didn’t have to do a thing! Hello, it’s called electric keyboard sound effects.”

“Cha-ching!” he added as he fist-pumped the air. “And don’t even ask me how we ended up on the Transformers soundtrack.”

Although neither band has released a creative album in years, the tour will feature an awe-inspiring duet Bennington and Kroeger claim to have been working on for minutes. A breathtaking mix between Kroeger’s cigarette-enhanced throaty growls and Bennington’s nails-on-a-chalkboard screeches, the song will break through the contemporary cultural idealisms of a boy ruined by self-perpetuating anger, depression, loneliness and mental anguish who just wants to be a big rock star with fifteen cars who hangs out at the coolest bars.

Both men claim the song’s depth will blow the audience’s mind. If—in fact—it doesn’t, guns will be provided to blow away any remaining misery at the realization they attended what critics are predicting to be the “biggest mistake of their life.”

When the bands aren’t composing anything of note, they can be seen preparing for photo shoots by pouting and glaring into mirrors while striking their infamous hands-in-my-jeans-pockets pose. Black T-shirts are available on hand in case a member shows up in anything less ominous.

Regardless of the 40-year-old burned out crowd that is sure to get their money’s worth at one of the 20 shows the tour is hosting at throughout the U.S., Kroeger warns concertgoers not to expect too much.

“We’re from Canada,” he said. “I created our band name during my days spent as a Starbucks barista, which consisted of routinely saying, ‘Here’s your nickel back.’”

“Really,” Kroeger added, “What could you possibly expect?”

“Nothing good, probably,” he finished, as he dejectedly ran a hand through his modern-day lion’s mane of gritty rocker waves.

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14 responses to “Linkin Park, Nickelback unite for worst tour ever

  1. vocabulary blew my mind, funny as hell!

  2. “…neither band has released a creative album in years….” Priceless

  3. I can’t wait to get those wedges. I’m totally going to tower over everyone I know in those suckas.

  4. You seriously rock…LOVE the sarcasm…it’s my coping skill 🙂

  5. Love, love, love!

  6. I went over this website and I conceive you have a lot of superb information, saved to bookmarks (:.

  7. This is good stuff. Funny and readable.

  8. Perhaps each person who attends these shows could personally apologize to members of The Pixies (depending on availability of band members for tour dates)? Maybe have any Nirvana songs/paraphernalia confiscated, just to provide them a sense of context, and protect us against even the feeblest mind seeing common artistic ground. That’s what happens in my fantasy world, anyway.

    Excellent writing, by the way. Very sharp.

  9. I am so loving it! Will be back!
    Chris

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