First dates recalled in US after depression outbreak

U.S. — First dates were recalled Saturday by the World Health Organization (WHO) after more than 85 percent of the first date population was found afflicted with harmful feelings of disappointment, regret and an overwhelming hatred of the opposite sex. Experts are calling the outbreak the biggest since “You’re the Inspiration” by Chicago was released in 1984, when dating dissatisfaction reached an all-time high because real life failed to live up to the romantic expectations instigated by the song’s lyrics. However, 1984 ended economically well when the single population instead found inspiration and much needed solace in ice cream, therapists, Kleenex and laser tag, increasing product sales by almost 15 percent.

Bad first dates often range in toxicity from simply boring to outright God-awful. Blind daters were hit the hardest with unhealthy feelings of their prospective date’s appalling inadequacy, general lack of hygiene and inability to know which fork is the salad fork.

The dates typically cause extreme monotony, ass-out hugs and uncontrollable cases of shuddering in repulsion. Excusing oneself to go to the bathroom and never returning, as well as planned emergency phone calls have also been on the rise among first daters. Alcohol seems to help some dates regain momentum, although studies show the roller coaster eventually comes to a screeching halt after one person goes all TMI on the other.

“Josh talked for an hour about his collection of miniature Schnauzer figurines,” said Sharon Johnson, five-year dater. “AN HOUR!”

“I can’t believe I shaved my legs for this,” she finished, shaking her head in horror.

Not having anything in common, being unattractive, getting a terrible haircut the day before the date and baby talk are some of the biggest reasons first dates go badly. The list also includes liking terrible music such as Nickelback, talking about how much you’re still in love with your ex, and wearing a tuxedo T-shirt.

Earlier this year, the federal government took legal control of recalling most first dates until cases of depression subside. The government is working to mandate that all first dates be inspected and certified by close friends and family of the daters, outside inspectors and federal health regulators in 2012.

If you suspect you have agreed to a date that has the potential to go nowhere fast, WHO recommends canceling the date immediately. If you must go on the date, the following tips will get you out in the knick of time:

  1. Dropping the “M” bomb (marriage)
  2. Turning on a dime and running swiftly (don’t look back)
  3. Making out with someone else
  4. Sobbing hysterically about your cat, Muffin, who died 15 years ago
  5. Tequila shots. Take them. Lots of them.

Bad dates have been around since the time of the caveman, when hunters thought drawing stick figures holding hands and creating the wheel were surefire ways to win a woman’s heart.

9 responses to “First dates recalled in US after depression outbreak

  1. I hope the pending Gov shutdown will not affect the recall. Loved your wit. Glad I saw the link on My Next Date.

  2. Great item!!!! I just recommended it on my blog,, and put a link to this page, Steve

  3. Pingback: My Next Date

  4. Haha hilarious piece 🙂

  5. Makes me glad I’m already married. For once.

    Ouch! Did I just say that? Don’t worry, she’s got better things to do than read my blog comments: Fill out divorce papers , meet with the lawyers, the gardener.

    Seriously though, if we acted like ourselves on a first date, would any of us ever get a second one?

  6. Report from BA: the ring thing doesn´t work in this city. It makes the fake-ring-holder more attractive. One thing does work, though. Saying that your fake-husband is a sniper.
    Hilarious piece of writing!! I enjoyed it very much!!

  7. That’s funny. It’s a very clever piece and enjoyable to read. I liked the “ass-out hugs” line – it is so right on target.

  8. Thank God for WHO! As a long time dater you hit the nail dead on…chuckling my way out the door for..yes..another date! Very very well done!

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