Cell phone apps: The (not so) silent stalker

A recent poll conducted by some ambiguous tech blog online revealed that more than 85 percent of smart phone users are unaware that the cell phone applications they willingly download on their phones are tracking them on a daily basis. Smart phones, most of which are equipped with GPS devices, automatically detect a user’s location through social media applications. In turn, these apps can then easily stalk their users without the user even knowing. In an unprecedented interview with an unquestionably accredited news source, social media apps from different phones across the world stepped forward to share their true feelings about their user’s habits.

“If Lindsay checks into Taco Bell one more time this week, I’m going to lose it,” said the Foursquare app on Lindsay Whitewood’s Android. “My lunch, I mean. I just want to scream at her, ‘It’s not even real meat!’”

“Makes me sick,” the app added, cringing inwardly.

While Foursquare, an application used to check into places to earn pointless badges and socialize with nearby friends, is meant to track locations, oftentimes it’s the widely used apps that find their user’s unhealthy addiction to them intolerable.

“John tweets constantly about his mundane life,” sighed the Twitter app on John Appleby’s BlackBerry. “’I’m going to bed.’ ‘What should I eat for lunch?’ I don’t want to be associated with that. It’s embarrassing.”

But it was the Facebook app – one of the most popular apps for any smart phone – that had the most to say about its users.

“Stephanie uses me every five minutes to check for messages, wall postings or status updates,” said Stephanie Jackson’s Palm Facebook app. “No one wrote anything on your wall in the last minute, crazy! What?! Are you serious?! You’re really going to post the question, ‘Should I get bangs or not?’ to your friends with pictures of you with and without bangs!? That’s it. I’m done with you.”

In a fit of anger, the app attempted to freeze by way of wishful thinking, fists clenched and eyes clenched shut, a grimace enveloping its interface. After a minute, one hopeful eye opened and looked slowly around the room. Realizing its failure, the app then blatantly refused to refresh updates for a good ten to fifteen minutes, arms crossed defiantly.

“I have apps within apps whose main goal is to stalk users,” one Facebook app went on to say excitedly. “There’s an app to find out when someone you like is single again. There’s one that lets you stalk who’s been stalking your page. I can’t even keep track of all my apps. Luckily, I have an app for that. It was free. Makes a great latte, too.”

“Multi-functional app!” the Facebook app said energetically, pumping a fist in the air.

When asked what smart phone users can do to make their application use more appropriate and less abusive, the apps provided simple feedback from which any smart phone user would benefit. To prove its effectiveness, the apps agreed to try their therapeutic coaching out on Jackson. This indifferent news crew followed the apps to her house just in time to see the following scene unfold:

“Just put down the phone and get off the couch. Slowly. That’s it! You’re doing it!” Jackson’s Tumblr app was heard saying encouragingly.

 “Walk toward the front door. Don’t look back. Go outside. You’re doing great. Now go for a run, you lazy sack of crap,” her Foursquare app added in a completely monotone voice, flipping aimlessly through a magazine and clearly checked out.

When no one saw Jackson for the remainder of the day, a search party was formed to locate her, because her cell phone tracking devices were ironically rendered useless.

As of press time, witnesses had spotted Jackson at a nearby park burrowed tightly in a tube slide. It was unclear whether she was going through smart phone application withdrawals. However, sources claim she was holding onto a woodchip that had allegedly been whittled into a rectangular shape. She appeared to be moving her right thumb haplessly in an attempt to call literally anyone, even that guy, Dan, with whom she had went on a pity date weeks earlier and never called back.

Her Facebook app was not available for further comment, as it had fled to Florida for a much-needed vacation.

4 responses to “Cell phone apps: The (not so) silent stalker

  1. every time I think of it, I feel like going to a cave and live there without technology … great post!

  2. So freakin funny….and sadly, very true!

    Thanks for the laughs!

  3. Hilarious..scary..true! Still laughing!

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