After 15 years of silence between two iconic figures of pop culture, Mary and a not-so-little lamb reunited with a stilted embrace that onlookers described as “emotionally inept.” The apathy of the once inseparable pair was surprising to spectators, many of whom had grown up with fond memories of the two.
“I thought Mary and that little lamb were just the best of friends,” said local bystander Gary Applewood. “I always wondered as a kid why the little lamb loved Mary so, but then I heard that Mary loved the little lamb. You know?”
“Deep stuff,” Applewood said appreciatively, a faraway look in his eye.
In a special, street-side interview with the two, the lamb admitted that the rift between it and Mary began with the transition into her teenage years.
“Our days used to be all giggles and fun when she smuggled me into class,” the lamb thought back fondly. “The teacher turned me out, but I waited patiently about, cuz, well, that’s how the rhyme went.”
“Also because the girls would comb and tie colorful ribbons in my wool!” it proceeded to burst out abruptly. “I looked good. Baaaaawfully good.”
But soon the wool got pulled over the lamb’s eyes. It began noticing a change in Mary as soon as the age of 15.
“She started wearing make-up and paying more attention to her clothes. She had an insatiable hunger for woolen scarves and sweaters awash with colorful designs,” said the lamb, its voice breaking with pent-up emotion.
“I soon discovered a loom in the living room and made the connection: I wasn’t a pet. I was a pawn in a story that left me naked and shivering in a dank, dark stable,” the lamb said, looking away in humiliation. “Ok, so I still slept in her room on a bunch of blankets, but do you know what it’s like to be naked? In PUBLIC? Worst nightmare ever, amirite?”
“This guy knows,” the lamb said, nudging an obese onlooker out of his drumstick-eating daze, grease dripping from his elbows.
The man looked down in shame. On-site reporters confirmed that yes, it was awkward for everyone.
“Hey, that fleece was white as snow, ok?” Mary fired back defensively. “People back then paid top dollar for such wonderfully soft fabric.”
“Then Old Navy came along,” she commented bitterly.
“Aaaaanywhoooo….every time that pair of shears came near me, I would shake in sheer terror,” the lamb said, yukking it up with a tentative smile. “Get it? Sheer? Shear?”
Silence rang from the street as witnesses stared blankly with disinterest.
“Well anyway, the ladies down at the 5th street cafe always get a giggle outta that line,” the lamb commented, clearly crestfallen that no one found the pun worthy of even a pity chuckle.
“Though back then when it was happening, it wasn’t funny,” he thought back with a frown. “Naked, you know. Right.”
As the interview wound down, closing the chapter on Mary and the little lamb, the lamb had one last thing to get off its chest.
“It’s Marty,” the lamb said. “My name? Yeah, Marty,” he called after a quickly dissipating audience.
“Crap, that’s not gonna stick.”
The little lamb and Mary were last seen parting ways indifferently after their run-in, though both participated in a dramatic look-back, wryly smiling at one another one last time for aesthetic public appeal.