Raccoons vie for world domination, discarded jar of pickles

The human race can add one more threat to a civilization where discrimination, hunger, poverty and war abound: raccoons. An epic battle has been spilling forth from the city of Toronto, a clash where animalistic pleasures and wiles reign supreme, especially when that supreme is a pizza that’s just been tossed carelessly into an unlatched garbage can.

As the National Public Radio article goes, Toronto is home to a huge population of raccoons, thus securing its destiny as the raccoon capital of the world. Way to go, Canada. I didn’t think it was possible for you to disappoint America more.

Anyway, before I digress into a fit of misplaced, Canadian-based rage, the extent of the NPR story is that some dude goes completely postal on a raccoon for jacking his leftover spaghetti and meatballs from his inadequately locked trash can. Probably. Naturally, a war of rights (and hilarity) ensues.

Upon reading the story, I can’t help but think it sounds oddly raccoon-biased and I quote, “The [cruelty toward raccoons] has sparked a heated debate about how to control the animals, and which urban dwellers’ rights come first.”

Which urban dwellers’ rights come first? Seriously?

Ya hit ONE tiny baby raccoon with a shovel and panties get bunched tighter than an all girls’ high school clique.

“Who are the animals now?!” pretentious animal rights groups will shout from behind colorful, slogan-filled signs featuring adorable raccoon drawings.

I can see the lawsuit raccoons will inevitably win against humans now. Discrimination? Check. Hunger? Check. Poverty? Check. War? Check. And now raccoons rule the world and humans are just their pawns to open tight pickle jars and complicated bottle caps.

You’re probably thinking, this is silly, Cassie. Raccoons will never win this fight. Oh, yeah? According to the ever-reliable Wikipedia.com, raccoons are noted for their intelligence, with studies showing that they are able to remember solutions to tasks up to three years later.

Meanwhile, your boyfriend still can’t even remember to take out the trash. Irony at its finest, hmmm?

Plus, these aren’t your typical raccoons. These coons are pure Canadian and they know great health insurance when they see it. I should say ONCE they see it. Lasik surgery to correct their poor, nearsighted vision? Check. Plus, raccoons’ eyes are said to be well-adapted for sensing green light, which already puts them light-years ahead of all those horrible drivers out there unable to distinguish between “go” and “stop.” Or parallel park.

A quote from behavior psychologist Suzanne MacDonald sums up the seriousness (cough, cough) of the issue: “City raccoons are smart, and they’re getting smarter. One of the things were doing is providing them with bigger and bigger challenges, so you’ve probably seen raccoon-proof garbage cans and all these things to try to keep them from figuring things out. But, in fact, they always do, so humans are selecting these traits in raccoons and we’re actually shaping an uber-raccoon that is going to be able to compete in an urban environment.

Compete for what? Our jobs? Our intellect?! Our romantic interests?!?

I mean, let’s be honest, this is one masked warrior who doesn’t need a cape to totally pull of its mysterious, debonair look. If the raccoon is one step from becoming urbanized, metrosexual haircuts and clothing will surely follow suit (heh) for these sly animals, and then there will be no stop to them.

The story states that there are 20 times more urban raccoons in North American than there were 70 years ago. So, in essence, they may have came for the leftovers, but they stayed for the gripping nightlife and culture.

Meanwhile, the city of Toronto turns a blind eye to the debate, instead choosing to focus on more important matters, like forming an all-star raccoon hockey team and training its new force of raccoon Mounties to hold and fire weaponry.

4 responses to “Raccoons vie for world domination, discarded jar of pickles

  1. Nice!

    I came back to the house one morning about 11:00 and my neighbor said “There’s a raccoon at your back door.” Sure enough there was a raccoon pawling at the French doors. I called animal control and reported a rabid raccoon. “Sir, how do you know it’s rabid?’ “Aside from the foamy drool around it’s mouth, which I am sure is from warm beer, how many raccoons are trying to get into a house for a refill at 11 am?” “Yes, I see your point, they are nocturnal.” Had I known at the time what you just posted, I would have called my friend in Canada and got the raccoon signed to a hockey team.

    • That WOULD have been the wise decision – I believe they even have referral programs for the Canadian raccoon team. Instead of money though, they just give you free tickets to the games, which are fairly chaotic and occur at a most unappetizing time of 4 a.m. The tickets come with a free rabies shot though, which is thoughtful because let’s be honest – that plexiglas can’t hold a rabid raccoon in protective gear once it gets a whiff of your nachos. Then again, what can?

  2. I’ll show them! Tonight I’m going to invade the raccoons’ territory! See how they like it when I go through people’s trash cans, skulk around their homes and chirp angrily at people who come close.

    And if the police ask what I’m doing, I’ll simply shriek, “I’m trying to teach the raccoons a lesson!”

    Yessir, I think this plan is going to go pret-ty well.

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