Why I would make an awesome super villainess

Is your city devoid of cheeky malevolence? Consider me for your next super villainess!

Careers. They’re about loving what you do, but not so much that you undo life on Earth as we know it forever. As a super villainess, I would recognize and respect this delicate balance of power, as well as excel in this profession for numerous reasons in which mankind’s meager existence can thank me later.

(Nonchalantly thank me later, that is. Let’s face it, on most levels, “super villainess” is synonymous with “evil.” The occupation unfairly gets a bad rap (heh). So, not only would I be working to destroy the world (oh, come on, just a LITTLE), but also to eliminate that stereotype. WITHOUT benefits. You’re welcome.)

Plus, I’m totally over cubicles.

Reasons I would make an awesome super villainess include but are not limited to:

1. I’m not afraid of spandex, but spandex is afraid of me.
Basically, I’d set a new precedence for women everywhere. As a super villainess, I would take a stand against spandex, one constricting, unseemly unitard at a time. Pro: I’m attracted to shiny things, so I can easily single out every article of spandex in the world and make it my bitch. Con: I’m easily distracted by shiny things, so it’s quite possible this could backfire terribly.

Your move, spandex.

2. I’m too lazy for COMPLETE world domination.
I’m not what you would call a “political” person. Whose face is the latest to be plastered on Time, which countries are acquiring a little too much plutonium, what stand to take against the health care reform when I don’t even have benefits…

Ugh.

Between the war on spandex and my arbitrary hissy fits with Catwoman, I simply don’t have the time. Besides, I was never that popular in high school, so clearly the battle toward supremacy is unassailably uphill and that competes with the Happy Endings marathon that’s on TV right now.

3. I’d implement casual Friday for all super villains and villainesses.
This would, in turn, cause the amount of evil being done in the world to multiply. A comfy villain is a productive villain.

4. I’d still rescue cats from trees and help old people carry groceries across the street.
Well, jeez, I’m not a monster.

However, I will NOT use precious pet names to lure kittens out of trees. Except maybe "Pumpkin." And "Fuzzy McTigerPaws." Ok, and maybe "Sir CuteFace."

5. I refuse to work weekends, so, like, let’s get together and have a beer!
I understand the value of a 9 to 5 job, and like any other super villainess, enjoy a tall, frothy and well-deserved glass or two of 1554 after a hard week of wreaking havoc.

6. My hair blows perfectly in the wind. Always.
Swear, it’s not even my stylist – it’s genetics. You hate me before you even know me. Rue the day you met me, even. I’ve had an unfair amount of fists shaken angrily at me just based on my gleaming (oh, shiny!), splendorous head of hair, so, honestly – who’s being unjust now?

7. I make super tasty monster cookies, and who can say no to free cookies?
Sure, I may rob the world of its decency, but you’re only robbing yourself if you don’t accept the fact that maybe cookies are my small way of trying to make things alright between us.

"Yes, as a matter of fact, I DID destroy that train station and millions of lives. Cookie?"

8. I would obliterate bad style from the face of the Earth.
Capes are dumb. Crocs, you no longer have a place in this world. The party’s over, mullets.  Next question.

9. I don’t actually have any real, distinguishable super powers
Unless you count the ability to accumulate mass quantities of super trendy high heels and expertly hide my addiction from all of mankind. Which I do count. Because, come on. That’s awesome.

What I’m getting at is that as your super villainess, I probably wouldn’t do too much damage to the world, anyway. I’m also terrible at math, so what harm can I REALLY accomplish?

Exactly.

10. Lastly, I don’t have a cheesy super villainess name or catchphrase. Instead, both are refined, mature and overall, highly respected.

Get it!? Instead of "Mmm, mmm, good?!" And what with my initials and...? Does everyone see what I just did there? Hellooooo??

So, until the next time we’re at odds, cheers!

Minimal Mischief Ma’am
“I’m mmm, mmm bad!” 

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20 responses to “Why I would make an awesome super villainess

  1. kinda appreciated the article that you published . it really isnt that simple to discover even remotely good stuff toactually read (you know READ and not just browsing through it like some uniterested and flesh eating zombie before moving on), so cheers mate for really not wasting my time on the god forsaken internet.

  2. I especially like your last paragraph – and I did start a blog – two in fact – just a few months ago! I always write letters to my children at Christmas – sometimes more often, but at least once a year. They know their letters will be in their stockings! Probably wouldn’t do anything you said not to – just a little bit inhibited! But that’s just me. Congratulations on being freshly pressed!

  3. I should say, youve got 1 with the most effective blogs Ive seen in a lengthy time. What I wouldnt give to be capable of develop a blog thats as intriguing as this. I guess Ill just need to maintain reading yours and hope that 1 day I can write on a topic with as a lot understanding as youve got on this 1!

    • Such nice words – thank you! Write about what you know and you really can’t go wrong. Unless it’s about like, pigeon hunting or something. Maybe with enough spin… 😉

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  5. play poker machines
    Dear Pringles, Now that I am no longer a kid, I can no longer fit my hand within your tube of deliciousness. Work on that.

    • “I think Pringles’ initial intention was to make tennis balls, but on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. And Pringles is a laid-back company — they said, ‘F**k it. Cut ’em up!” – Mitch Hedberg

    • Fantastic! So, boss, I’m going to need to take vacation next week. And the week after that. Hope that’s ok. Oh, and I accept tips, both of informative and monetary value.

  6. I’m mmm, mmm, bad. I like it! 🙂

  7. Yay, someone else who wants to be a supervillainess! Love your blog; you write really well. Great job, and thanks for making the world a more well-written place.

    • Thank you! The real crime should be people who don’t know the difference between “you’re” and “your,” am I right? 😉

  8. This made me chuckle. Well, actually – if we’re going to be in keeping with the theme – it made me cackle. Manically.

    I definitely like this new age approach of yours to being a Villainess. And I’m sure the cats would truly appreciate their exemption from your crusade. But, then again, cats truly are the embodiment of aloofness and evilness.

    Yes, that doesn’t make me sound like a nutter. At all.

    • Haha, I think you hit the nail on the head with this comment! However, a support group for us “crazies” might be helpful. I’ll bring the cookies!

  9. I really like this post, Ant I’m willing to be your super villain partner. I like the idea of weekends off and cookies are awesome. One rule, no tights. Me in tights would be WAY too evil.

    • Aw, maaaan. What if we got you a pair of those super short, super shiny track shorts from the 70s that you can pair them with? I don’t see how that could end badly.

  10. Thanks much; I love writing and doing so for a fabulous group of readers who enjoy it as well makes my day! 🙂

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