Careers. They’re about loving what you do, but not so much that you undo life on Earth as we know it forever. As a super villainess, I would recognize and respect this delicate balance of power, as well as excel in this profession for numerous reasons in which mankind’s meager existence can thank me later.
(Nonchalantly thank me later, that is. Let’s face it, on most levels, “super villainess” is synonymous with “evil.” The occupation unfairly gets a bad rap (heh). So, not only would I be working to destroy the world (oh, come on, just a LITTLE), but also to eliminate that stereotype. WITHOUT benefits. You’re welcome.)
Plus, I’m totally over cubicles.
Reasons I would make an awesome super villainess include but are not limited to:
1. I’m not afraid of spandex, but spandex is afraid of me.
Basically, I’d set a new precedence for women everywhere. As a super villainess, I would take a stand against spandex, one constricting, unseemly unitard at a time. Pro: I’m attracted to shiny things, so I can easily single out every article of spandex in the world and make it my bitch. Con: I’m easily distracted by shiny things, so it’s quite possible this could backfire terribly.
Your move, spandex.
2. I’m too lazy for COMPLETE world domination.
I’m not what you would call a “political” person. Whose face is the latest to be plastered on Time, which countries are acquiring a little too much plutonium, what stand to take against the health care reform when I don’t even have benefits…
Between the war on spandex and my arbitrary hissy fits with Catwoman, I simply don’t have the time. Besides, I was never that popular in high school, so clearly the battle toward supremacy is unassailably uphill and that competes with the Happy Endings marathon that’s on TV right now.
3. I’d implement casual Friday for all super villains and villainesses.
This would, in turn, cause the amount of evil being done in the world to multiply. A comfy villain is a productive villain.
4. I’d still rescue cats from trees and help old people carry groceries across the street.
Well, jeez, I’m not a monster.
5. I refuse to work weekends, so, like, let’s get together and have a beer!
I understand the value of a 9 to 5 job, and like any other super villainess, enjoy a tall, frothy and well-deserved glass or two of 1554 after a hard week of wreaking havoc.
6. My hair blows perfectly in the wind. Always.
Swear, it’s not even my stylist – it’s genetics. You hate me before you even know me. Rue the day you met me, even. I’ve had an unfair amount of fists shaken angrily at me just based on my gleaming (oh, shiny!), splendorous head of hair, so, honestly – who’s being unjust now?
7. I make super tasty monster cookies, and who can say no to free cookies?
Sure, I may rob the world of its decency, but you’re only robbing yourself if you don’t accept the fact that maybe cookies are my small way of trying to make things alright between us.
8. I would obliterate bad style from the face of the Earth.
Capes are dumb. Crocs, you no longer have a place in this world. The party’s over, mullets. Next question.
9. I don’t actually have any real, distinguishable super powers
Unless you count the ability to accumulate mass quantities of super trendy high heels and expertly hide my addiction from all of mankind. Which I do count. Because, come on. That’s awesome.
What I’m getting at is that as your super villainess, I probably wouldn’t do too much damage to the world, anyway. I’m also terrible at math, so what harm can I REALLY accomplish?
10. Lastly, I don’t have a cheesy super villainess name or catchphrase. Instead, both are refined, mature and overall, highly respected.
So, until the next time we’re at odds, cheers!
Minimal Mischief Ma’am
“I’m mmm, mmm bad!”