The world recently got the skinny on new tyrannosaurus rex findings, enough to now know that the dinosaur was anything but! Not only did T. rex grow more than twice as fast between the ages of 10 and 15, but at more than 9 tons, it also weighed 30 percent more than initially thought, Reuters stated Wednesday. The article went on to say that “the fearsome predator would have been a ravenous teenager.”
Yowza. Sexy Rexy, indeed! To me, “ravenous teenager” implies that of the male persuasion because there’s nothing teenage girls hate more than eating or (gasp!) announcing their weight in public. And maybe it’s my nonsensical reasoning, but with their big, sharp claws and ferocious, masochistic hype (Thank you, Jurassic Park), I always just assume that all T. rex are male anyway.
Therefore, I’m sticking to it. Cuz this is MY story. (Any Collin Raye fans out there who got that reference? No? No lovers of 90s country, either ironically or sincerely? I’ll even accept shoddy hipster appreciation. Any takers at all?
Bummer. And don’t judge – that’s just my Nebraska heritage waving its proud(ish) flag. Could be worse – at least I’m not from Iowa. The angry, Old Testament God no doubt had a hand in creating that “state.”)
Getting back to the story, though. The research was based off five species of T. rex, including the Chicago Field Museum’s skeleton of “Sue,” the largest of the bunch. Atta boy. Way to earn “A Boy Named Sue” some mad r-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Thank (the forgiving, New Testament) God we were able to account for that joke in this story, right? I think Johnny Cash would agree – rational thought be damned. Just like the dinosaurs.
Anywho, “at their fastest, in their teenage years, they were putting on 11 pounds a day,” John Hutchinson of the Royal Veterinary College in London told Reuters. “Just think how much meat that is. That’s a hell of a lot of cheeseburgers … it’s a whole lot of duck-billed dinosaurs they needed to be chowing down on.”
Cheeseburgers. And I was worried about my common sense.
Their rapid teenage growth spurt also suggests they must have had a high metabolic rate, fueling the idea they were warm-blooded, researchers said.
I’m almost 85 percent sure that mathematically, rapid growth + high metabolic rate = warm-blooded = hot-headed = male. It’s the transitive property or something.
It reminds me of those Totino’s pizza roll commercials. Even though dinner always seems to be ten minutes from completion, it’s never enough. The scene usually goes something like this:
Teenage males (for the sake of this story, we’ll say ages 10-15 and ravenous) run into the kitchen from playing flag football all afternoon. Mom looks up like a duck-billed dinosaur in headlights from washing dishes.
Teenage male #1 (grunting in low, menacing voice, not unlike an undistinguishable growl): “Snacks! Now!”
Mom (chuckling nervously, wiping hands shakily on apron): “Dinner’s just on the table in a few minutes, boys.”
Teenage male #2 (circling kitchen island slowly): “We’re hungry NOW.”
Mom (backing away slowing toward oven): “But if you just wait ten more…”
Teenage males #3, #5 and #7 (closing in for the kill): “Grawr.” (Multiplied, of course, in intensity by number of males in room)
Mom (miraculously pulling Tortino’s pizza rolls out of thin air and tossing them quickly on counter, where they arrange perfectly on a festive, football-themed party platter, still somehow looking like absolute crap): “Snacks!”
Tortino’s is perfectly marketed for male teenagers with insatiable appetites and the moms who fear them. Their slogan should be “Lest your hand and face be bitten off….Totino’s!”
I guess I think we’re still saying “lest” in this day and age.
A mind-blowing analogy it is not. Moms are the duck-billed dinosaurs of our time. Teenage boys are carnivorous T. rex. The world keeps a-spinnin.
In the end, it makes me wonder. What would those catty, snotty, self-absorbed, texting girls ages 10-15 be?
Screaming banshees probably.