Because “Every Kiss Begins with Like” just doesn’t have the same ring

In fact, it literally doesn’t have a ring at all. Or a bracelet. Nope, not even diamond-studded earrings. Mutual like only verifies that you’re not completely socially inept.

Zing. (I’m sorry)

Ok, so you know that one Kay Jewelers commercial where you see it and want to die? Like, pronto?

Trick question. It’s all of them. Unfortunately, there isn’t a way to miraculously know when these commercials are about to air so you can dive for the channel changer and save yourself from the inhumanity. Funny – in the spirit of Christmas, we were able to foresee the coming of Christ to save us from our sins, but we’re still incapable of telling which block of television will air that bit of evil.

(All of ‘em)

If this book is solely about family, neckties OR eggs in/out of a nest, I'm going to feel severely gypped.

The commercials are the equivalent to a Danielle Steel novel, only with way more cardigans and way less steamy haystack scenes, and let’s get real – no one likes a PG-rated Danielle Steel. No one. What’s the point?

Perhaps it is a test. If we successfully watch the commercial in its entirety and HAVEN’T set our residence on fire (Automatically, the TV’s gotta go because it’s the vehicle spewing that malicious content over all your personal belongings, and so now THOSE are contaminated and in need of destroying, etc., etc.), eternal salvation will be ours.

The big guy’s probably up there thinking, Merry Christmas, humans. My gift to you – that of tolerance. It’s more likely that he’s up there chuckling, stroking his beard amusedly, thinking Ha! Peons…now where did I put that popcorn?

Original sin should have been reserved for the conception of all Kay commercials. I don’t think God was even prepared for what atrocities mankind was capable of creating. Unadulterated evil in the form of commercials selling steadfast love and devotion for hundreds of dollars? Check!

I haven’t even gotten to the engagement ring commercials yet.

Regardless, tis the season, but the incessant sighing and eye rolling is wearing me thin. Come on, women – based on this new McDonald’s commercial, do we really think our significant others are capable of eternal commitment, much less buying our Christmas present more than a few days before the 25th? Ronald – and society – says no!

So, for another month and a half, we are tasked with the chore of grinning and bearing these awful commercials, all the while violently hoping that when New Years is said and done, we will still have roofs over our heads. Good luck to you all.

Those with ambition and a passionate desire to prevail might consider turning the commercial into a drinking game. If you’re worried about being caught up in technicalities – not to fear. This game can be played by those ages 21 and up. Heck, I have no doubt that even your kids will want to join in after seeing this commercial.

*Shudder* They grow up so fast, don’t they?

Every time a woman looks up at a man with ooey gooey adoration so sweet you wonder where the world is going to find more sugar because it was all used up in the commercial?

Sickening, right? If I wanted to see an ACCURATE representation of a REAL couple in love, I'd watch Twilight.

Drink!

Every time there is a tender embrace followed by a man and woman flawlessly hitting their mark by looking directly into the camera with warm smiles of wholehearted content and love?

Drink!

Every time you lose your lunch/dinner/breakfast/mind?

Drink!

Every kiss begins with Kay?! Hell. Every kegger begins with Kay.

A woman’s interpretation of the jingle is no doubt something to this effect: Me and THIS guy sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes love! Then comes marriage! Then comes a baby in a baby carriage!

Which, ironically, isn’t so similar to a man’s: Buy our jewelry! With the power of your hard-earned cash, you’ll earn yourself smooches and maybe more if she’s not tired and doesn’t have a headache and the kids are in bed and it’s* big enough!

*the diamonds

The ingenuity of the commercials, you see, is in both parties seemingly getting what they desire. Also, who can resist that tagline? “Every kiss begins with Kay?!” Kay Jewelers doesn’t have to search for fine metals and stones to make their jewelry cuz that’s a gold mine right there.

I wish that just ONE commercial could be slightly altered for a pleasant change from the idealistic fantasy of marriage proposals, perfect children and owning jewelry you clearly can’t afford.

Something like:

Booming announcer’s voice (raspy): “This holiday season, do you know where your lover is?”

He should have gone to Jared.

Footage cuts to man tied up to chair in basement. His apparent kidnapper hands him the phone, on which his lover is on the line.

Kidnapped man (panicked): “Honey, just do as he says!”

Lover: “He wants the jewelry, Derek! Doesn’t he know chocolate is a girl’s best friend? Or is it diamonds? Flips hair dramatically with a flick of a hand, showing off new bling. Now I don’t have to choose because I have them both in this gorgeous, 14K, ¾ carot, gold-encrusted ring you bought me from Kay Jewelry. Anyway, it’s not right, Derek, and I won’t stand for it! By the way, did you happen to pick up the milk on your way home?”

Derek (sighing deeply): “No, they didn’t have one percent and I refuse to drink that skim crap. And you know that 2 percent goes straight to my hips. Besides, I didn’t like the selection of dairy products the gas station had, and Hy-Vee was HALF AN HOUR AWA…”

Nudged by his kidnapper, Derek returns to the real issue at hand.

Derek (clearing throat): What I was saying was that with Kay’s reasonable prices for remarkable, brilliantly cut diamonds full of clarity, I’ll buy you more! Just give him what he wants and he’ll let me go!”

Lover (tapping foot, frustrated): “How am I supposed to make your favorite mashed potatoes without milk, Derek? Answer me that! I swear, you are so irresponsible sometimes…How did you even afford this fine, hand-crafted 14K white gold Journey necklace that you gave me for our anniversary?

Derek: “Honey, I beg of you, just give the man the jewelry and I’ll be home soon to explain everything.”

Lover: “No, you know what, Derek? You sit in that basement and think about what you did. Maybe the kidnapper and I can work out some sort of payment plan and a plan for your safe return after pick up the DAMN MILK!” Hangs up phone angrily.

Scene fades as Jane Seymour’s knowledgeable voice is overlaid into a scene showing Kay’s logo and new jingle: “Every kidnapping begins with Kay.”

Advertisements

13 responses to “Because “Every Kiss Begins with Like” just doesn’t have the same ring

  1. That man you call sickening -he’s a sweetheart. I dated him in high school and he could kiss as good as he looks. Sorry commercialism is getting you down and thanks for the happy memories. Every kiss began with P lol 😛

  2. Hi my loved one! I wish to say that this post is amazing, great written and include approximately all vital infos. I would like to see extra posts like this .

    • Nothing like the added pressure from bloggers to motivate and inspire. I envision long nights up with an excess of caffeine sobbing quietly into my shirt in the corner of my room, rocking back and forth with a crazy look in my eye as I try to come up with a new topic for my blog. …Your kind words may be my demise. 😉

  3. I HATE those Jared commericials, your idea is genius! I cannot get past the name. What kind of a name is Jared for a jewelry store? I wouldnt buy shoes at a store named “Beth” or food from a store named “Bob”. Anyway, I have “paid forward’ the Versatile Blogger Award to you !
    http://nonstepmom.wordpress.com/2011/11/19/versatile-bad-blogger-bad/

    • Hmmm. Then I probably shouldn’t tell you that when I lived in the “big city,” I used to shop at Russ’s Market… 😉

  4. I too have the damn Kay jingle locked in my skull.

    I have an equal amount of hatred for the other jewelry store ad (Jared?) where the poor schmo only buys his wife/girlfriend/mistress jewelry because his car’s GPS is possessed and guides him to the chain store.

    • That’s why I stick with the world atlas. It’s foolproof, folds easily within my car’s compartments and doesn’t give me that irritating tone of voice for having to recalculate when I take a wrong turn. On another note, it WOULD be funny if a possessed GPS system was leading someone toward a fancy jewelry store and had to recalculate based on the car owner’s budget. “Recalulating. Take a left on Deerfield St. Your destination is on the left.” And then it’s just a Wal-Mart or a thrift store. Ouch.

  5. Your way with words is… Well my vocabulary doesn’t have a good word to describe how much I love to read what you write. I think the only thing you missed was Jane Seymour threatening everyone with mass murder if they didn’t purchase her swan shaped necklace things that not even she thinks is attractive.

    • Thanks! I could DEFINITELY see that happening. Luckily, with all of her experience on Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, Jane Seymour would be able to fix them up easy peasy after she went ballistic, with minimal evidence of foul play. 😉

  6. Haha, I would definitely prefer your version of the commercial. Though I have always argued their jingle doesn’t make sense. Technically “every kiss” begins with an “E”. 🙂

  7. In spite of the fact that I had the Kay jingle going through my head constantly as I read this, this is quite possibly the funniest thing I’ve read today. And oh so true.

    • It’s a roller coaster of emotions, the low point being the jingle stuck in your head (so, so sorry), and the high point being that it made you laugh! The loop-de-loop, of course, is that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach after watching those two attached commercials in a row (again, so, so sorry). Not to worry – the wobbly feeling in your legs should subside about half an hour after reading the blog. And with that, this analogy has rolled to a complete stop and you may now exit this page from the “X” at the right-hand corner. 😉

Leave a comment. Or don't; I don't care. ...have...have you left a comment yet?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s