Carry on, my wayward cow

We’ve been busy this month. With all the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, it’s undeniable. (Still, call me back already, grandma – this is starting to get uncool.)

In fact, as the end of the year approaches, just the simple feat of knowing which way is up anymore (Hint: If you see feet, try again) is cause for a celebratory pat on the back (Hint #2: Up, like the 2009 Disney movie starring Edward Asner, Jordan Nagai and John Ratzenberger).

Yeah, I don’t know who they are either. Bad hint.

Hint #3: The opposite of down. (Ooooooh) All together? Fantastic! Then let’s take a few seconds out of this blog to awkwardly pat ourselves on our backs…NOW!

There. That felt good.

Whether you’ve been preparing, cooking, decorating, buying or just working to pay for it all and silently fuming (this means you, dads of America), rest easy knowing you haven’t had the added stress that residents of Plattsmouth, Neb. have for the last few months. Thankfully, this rural community can now cross one last item off their “To Do” list: recapturing the elusive “Ninja Cow.”

Just when you thought it was safe to roam the streets....Ninja Cow!

I know what you’re thinking and I thought the same thing! Ugh, didn’t this cow get recaptured way back on Dec. 7?

Oh, you’re not?

Well, it did. So, why did this story, in which even the Wall Street Journal had a say, grace the nation with its presence just this week? Because in Battleship terms, it’s clearly a “hit” for journalists everywhere.

Oh, it’s not?

Hey, just because it’s the week before Christmas… Does that mean everyone’s priorities, including journalists’, should completely shift toward Jesus’s birthday, Christmas presents and embarrassing themselves at work holiday parties? Is it right for the world to virtually come to a halt to partake in these end-of-the-year festivities?

And, what’s “filler?”

This story is obviously newsworthy, if not for the horribly punned headlines it instigated, alone. Why else – pray tell – are there more than three stories about it in the Omaha World Herald alone?

Exactly.

Dads of America aren’t the only ones fuming anymore. Let me introduce you to everyone from Nebraska. We’re a little bit…disappointed…in you, journalists. At the same time, we find this news story inconsiderately hilarious. We’re stifling our smiles behind fists shaken in fury, but even though we reside on some the flattest land in America, we’re choosing to take the high road and laugh along with you.

So, if you haven’t read about the ordeal, which should be global knowledge by now because of its utter significance to EVERYTHING, I’ll give you the basic breakdown:

There’s this cow, it got loose, and because no one could capture it for months, members of the community are saying it was “very smart.” It also happens to be black, so they figured, let’s throw the word “ninja” in there, too. From there spawned the existence of the Ninja Cow. Just naming it seemed to increase its powers.

The arduous task of capturing this ghost cow gained publicity because it became the responsibility of the American people. A duty that national security says was right up there with capturing Bin Laden. Now, I can’t be sure, but the article didn’t say that Black Ops DIDN’T have a hand in capturing the Ninja Cow.

"We're gonna need to call in an escape specialist. Get MacGyver on the phone, STAT!" "Sir, he's just an actor..." "I said STAT!"

The task increased in urgency because, well, that’s less potential steak for everyone. You don’t get in the way of Nebraskans and their meat. We hand out Omaha steaks as Christmas presents. Plus, multiple stories reported mysterious mud pies found in backyards. AND  in front yards. Can you imagine? Mud pies everywhere. THE INHUMANITY!

It was our duty to clean up the doody. Just a little poop joke for you. Merry Christmas!

The whole situation sounds like the beginning of a bad joke: How many Nebraskans does it take to capture a cow? The story starts with a desperate escape made by one daring cow, continues with an overly excessive kill order and ends with an endearing smile and an “Oooooh, yooooou,” combined with an affectionate tap on the  Ninja Cow’s chin.

May I comment that the media really went to great lengths to make Nebraskans look good. No, really. Thank you, journalists. Very, uh, thorough reporting on your behalf. But, for what it’s worth, people tried to capture this thing with cow noises made from (stresses the Yahoo story) a laptop. Yes, Nebraska has Internet access now. Just got it a few weeks ago. Changed our lives.

Never take pizza negotations lightly...

And biscuits and gravy? Seriously? What PEOPLE like biscuits and gravy anymore? Can you blame that poor cow for not obediently coming forth to be captured? I said breakfast pizza, dammit!

So, if this is the first you’ve heard of our state, welcome to the good life. Sit back, grab an ear of grilled corn and a lucious steak, and throw down a few Third Stones because it’s a slow news day here every day. Even the Ninja Cow wanted to give up on life, as the story claims it continuously threw itself against a fence in an effort to escape numerous times before finally giving up. 

Nebraska. Our state flower should be the Venus fly trap – it does not let go willingly.

What these stories really get at is a greater underlying story. Namely, that the town of Plattsmouth is in dire need for governmental funds, if not only to better illuminate their streets at night. It gets dark here. Hell, we invented the phrase, “black as night.” Don’t look that up because I can’t back it up. (Hey, I should be a journalist!)

The stories also suggest that reporters evidently need one last monumental event to happen before the end of the year. I’m issuing this blog as a call to action for dictators everywhere. We should only need about one more of you to call it a day in order to make some decent headlines for the remainder of the year ( = more pats on back!!!!!).  

This means you, Robert Mugabe. I see you back there, Bashir al-Assad. Don’t be shy.

I’m suggesting that everyone else get back to more important things at hand  instead of reading a bunch of hoopla about a rogue cow from Nebraska on the Interwebs.

Except for this blog, of course.

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12 responses to “Carry on, my wayward cow

  1. wow! it’s amazing how much you really don’t know and got wrong in this “blog.” You should get your facts straight and stop putting down Plattsmouth and Nebraska….it was just a fun story that made people forget for a minute, all the “bad stuff” in the news right now. I for one, enjoyed the story and it made me smile. More than I can say for your rambling….

    • Blogs are, in essence, very much opinionated, so it wasn’t as much about me getting things “wrong” as just expressing my personal thoughts on the subject. Either way, I appreciate your feedback and want to tell you that although you obviously disagree, my blog is meant to be humorous and lighthearted, itself. I hope that it brings a smile to the people’s faces who read it, and I think for the most part, it does. And, at the end of the day, that’s what I’m shooting for.

      Also, being from Nebraska, I have the fullest respect for Nebraskans and the state in which we live. I was having a little fun, just like the reporters you are so vehemently supporting.

  2. “utter significance” – you crack me up!

  3. Thank you for sharing your mooooooooo ving story.

  4. You sank my battle cow!

    • And that’s why cows can’t do the Superman in water. That’s probably also why that one swim technique isn’t called cow, plane, soldier.

  5. That’s pretty funny!!!

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