I went over to my parents’ house last Monday to watch Nebraska lose the Capital One Bowl. As talk turned from the game (“When Taylor Martinez throws the ball, my heart gets real sad.”) to life (“Why are we still living in a city whose top economic development selling points are bowling and miniature golf?”), dad told me that he and mom were registering to win HGTV’s 2012 dream home giveaway. He proceeded to show me HGTV’s hour-long tour of the gorgeous home, built on dreams of rustic whimsy and a solid foundation of money.
I’ve been registering to win daily ever since. After all – someone has to be the victor, so why couldn’t it be any one of us? For this reason, I’ve put together a list of reasons why I deserve the home. Put your feet up and relax, HGTV – your “random drawing” just got a little easier.
1. I’ve always been an (distant) admirer of the finer things.
I go to (community college) plays. I sip (Barefoot) wine with my pinky held daintily up in the air. I’ve run my hands down plush (shag) carpet squares at Target a time or two. However, as I’ve got rather poor eyesight, I’d like to one day admire the finer things up close and personal, too. Things like a certain riverside home. That’s where you come in.
2. Cuz I want it!
Cuz it’s puuurty.
3. My fake surprised expression is timeless.
When you show up at my doorstep (which is actually just an extension of the sidewalk and not a doorstep at all – that’s right, HGTV. I don’t even have a doorstep.) I will give you the performance of your lives. See, I’ve been watching a lot of award shows lately, so just as my eyes widen in disbelief and you brace yourself for the works – excited screams, maniacal laughter, happy sobs, and the BIGGEST crazed bear hug for each HGTV crew member– I’m going to throw a nonchalant shrug your way instead alongside a sincere, “Sweet, guys – I appreciate it. Thanks!”
It’ll be Oscar worthy. More realistically, it’ll turn into a 2012 viral “fail” video with plenty of cricket sound effects and playbacks of my subdued composure, which equals more fans tuning into HGTV, which equals smiles on each of your faces and bigger bonuses at Christmas. (Suddenly, your own dream home is in sight!)
However, then I’ll probably start crying and hyperventilating as the weight of my burdensome bills and endless debt becomes even heavier with the new property taxes I will struggle to pay each year.
4. I spill. A lot.
Building the house was sponsored in part by Bounty. If products could be benefactors of lives, Bounty would be mine and I’d use the Bounty tagline whenever I got into a scrape.
No! Wait! Retract that reason! I’m not messy or accident prone…gosh, no. I definitely can’t be the only person who’s broken items in three separate Hallmark stores… Besides, that was years ago. And I certainly wouldn’t accidentally spill a $6.49 bottle of Barefoot stocked in the wine fridge (that’s my favorite household item, by the way) onto one of the home’s many expensive (and sponsored) Ethan Allen rugs. And if I do, by God, I will work night and day to get the stain out with (sponsored) Bissell cleaning products.
5. I’ve been shamelessly promoting it.
Ok, HGTV. I’ve liked you on Facebook, all the while commenting on the home’s majestic beauty and cracking witty jokes only you understand to make you see how completely I stand out from the rest of the crowd, who just comment saying “Pick me!!!!!” and “NICE!!!!!” I’ve tweeted. I’ve voted for my favorite room on your website. I’ve voted for housewarming gifts (P.S. I really, reaaally like the jalapeno thing-a-ma-jig) Not to mention that I’ve hyperlinked your
web address into this blog. And not that there would EVER be any typos in this article but if there were, I’d clean them up with, yup – you guessed it – Bounty. See how silly that is? It doesn’t even make sense! What more do you WANT from me?!
…Are you on your way to my apartment yet?
6. I already forgive you for the blue vases you’ve arranged at the entryway to the house. And the pear motif in the kitchen. And the room with all the American pride.
It’s ok. You didn’t know my personal taste. It was a good effort, and everyone makes mistakes.
7. I will use the Juliet-inspired balcony to recite epic poems, bringing additional culture to the Park City area.
This is legit. See #1. I attend plays!
8. I will use the vantage points you created for (mostly) good
You took the time to create beautiful focal points when looking out the windows. These vantage points will be gainfully used for activities such as sniping, yelling at bears to leave my sandwich in outdoor living space #3 alone, and peeking sneakily from the curtain to know when to answer the door for the pizza guy and when not to answer the door for the IRS.
10. Because I’ll keep it real.
I don’t know what “giclees” or “vignettes” are. Trestles and serpentine pilasters? Not a clue. I do know how to break a place in. We’ll see how stainless that steel is. Plus, I don’t eat fruit very often so the bowls of fresh fruit on every
single counter, table and bedside tray will never be eaten, keeping all the beautiful arrangements intact until you visit daily to switch them out with fresh fruit.
…you DO visit regularly to switch them out with fresh fruit, right?