A blog a week keeps versatility at its peak

I want to thank Sarah Alice, who nominated me for the Versatile Blogger Award on Sunday despite my inability to blog more than once a week due to a tumultuous schedule revolving around work, dart league, working out and darting away from Chloe’s terrifying clutches when she’s on the prowl. I’m embarrassed to say I’ve been nominated a few times before (Thanks also to Dacia and MJ) but have not yet participated in spreading the WordPress love, as I tend to spread myself out too thin as it is. Guys. Dart league.

I also nap. A lot.

I’m remedying this today by graciously accepting. I also figured if I waited long enough, there’d finally be a medal or trophy accompanying this prestigious award. No? Not even a plaque hastily made from Popsicle sticks and rubber cement? Come on, a gift card to Chili’s? A certificate with clip art taken from the Internet that I can print out on my own time and dime?

Hey, they don't give these out to just anybody...What? They DO? ...gah...

Still no? Fine. Then I’ll now proceed with my hour-long acceptance speech and thank you that you’ll have to sit through uncomfortably because you really have to pee but you feel slightly sorry for me and my exuberance at finally winning something that isn’t a green participant ribbon from a grade school track meet.

Finally.

Thanks to sugar-free Red Bull, a healthy dose of neuroticism, and the Internet for all the captivating YouTube videos of cats vs. printers, from which I draw all inspiration. Thanks especially to you guys, who have all been so rockin’ awesome in your time spent devotedly reading this blog each week! I appreciate you!

There, that wasn’t so bad. So, in keeping with the rules, below you’ll find seven things you probably never (wish you) knew about me, along with a list of my favorite blogs.

1. I’m a jogger, not a runner.

My first day attending physical therapy, I was distinctly told that those who run faster than 9 miles per hour on a treadmill are runners and anything slower than that is merely a jog. My physical therapist told me this with one eyebrow arched, indicating she thought I would be appalled to be classified as a jogger. I told her, “I just run so I don’t feel guilty about all the candy I eat.” Going to the dentist is like attending confession for my dietary habits, except I don’t have to utter a word. Below is an actual conversation between me and the guy who sold me running shoes last Saturday:

Sales guy (his patchy beard indicated he wasn’t quite a man): “So, you’re a runner?”
Me (in a teacher-ly, corrective tone): “Oh, no. Jogger.”
Sales guy: “Training for any upcoming marathons?”
Me: “I mostly just work out so I don’t get fat.”
Sales guy (slightly unsure of himself now): “What kind of running shoes did you previously have?”
Me: “Reebok EasyTones.”
Sales guy: “Those aren’t running shoes.”
Me: “Ex-actly.”
Sales guy (frowning): “I see.”

Even then, he continued to ask me if I wanted to buy running socks. Then he saw the socks I had chosen for the day and realized I couldn’t even manage to put together a matching pair. Our running dialogue was over at that very moment.

2. I am incapable of making the perfect pancake.
I just can’t do it – they come out burned or raw in the middle every time. The ultimate paradox is when they’re burned, yet still raw in the middle. How, pancakes?! How! Varying the amount of oil in the pan? Useless. Carefully reading the instructions on the back of the box of instant pancake mix? No improvements. Switching pans? Futile. Using the same stovetop temperature as Clayton, who makes PERFECT pancakes EVERY time? (How, Clayton?! How!?) A wasted effort.

In the battle of me vs. breakfast, breakfast wins every time.

I have, however, dominated frozen waffles in the toaster. Take that, breakfast.

3. I am destined for a lifetime of wearing acrylic nails.
One of my worst vices is relentlessly picking at my nails as a result of a) nerves and b) boredom. As I am a worrisome person with a (quite troublesome, now that I think about it…) short attention span, this is not a good combination. It inevitably results in a) ouchies and b) my hands looking like little boy hands. Not sexy. The only solution besides self control (hahaha!)? Acrylic nails that cost entirely too much. However, due to the great gab sessions that break out at each appointment, it’s at least still cheaper than paying for a therapist.

4. I’m terrified to get up to pee in the middle of the night.
Don’t laugh or the ghosts and evil spirits that infiltrate homes at exactly 3 a.m. (it’s the witching hour) will come after you. On second thought, go ahead. Chuckle your little self away. It’ll save me from uselessly picking at my nails with anxiety when I wake up at 2:59 a.m.

5. I’ve almost been sawed in half (sadly, not by a magician).
Two years ago, my doctor found a bunch of tumors in my kidneys and told me he was 99 percent sure that one of the larger masses was cancer. A partial nephrectomy was required to remove this tumor – a surgery that resulted in slicing more than 8 inches of my stomach in half. Although it was no magic trick, my mother swears it was by the grace of God that the biopsy came back benign.

Here’s the funny part: I had to stay in the hospital for a week, connected to a pee bag the entire time. In wry disdain, I told my dad that this was not the look I was going for (I did, on the other hand, totally own that backless hospital gown). When I had to go for my daily walk in front of everyone, my dad suggested I pretend the pee bag was a Coach bag instead. I walked around my floor smirking and asking “Jealous much?” to anyone who glanced my way for the remainder of my stay.

6. I pretend people are cheering me on when I do chores.
There are only two ways I am motivated to do chores like washing the thousand coffee thermoses that can’t go into the dishwasher and mopping behind the

"You'll see I'm wiping WITH the grain of the wood." -me to no one

toilet. The first involves seeing something move in the corner of my eye and realizing my apartment might be showcased on the next episode of “Infested.” The second involves imagining a crowd of adoring fans screaming loving words of encouragement all the while covertly judging the way I spray Pledge directly onto the coffee table instead of first onto my rag. (“She didn’t!” “Oh yes, she did.”) The end result? A job well done every time.

7. I secretly love all Taylor Swift songs.
Oh, God, you all hate me now, don’t you?

Blogs you’ll either love, hate or think are just ok
1. The Byronic Man – Hilarious, witty, observant – he’s got my vote in the next presidential election
2. Bridgesburning – Her blog is like a warm blanket and cup of cocoa when it’s freezing out
3. H.E. Ellis – She’s had books published – about life in NEBRASKA – so you know she’s good
4. Memoirs of an Evil Stepmom – Astute stories about life, family and that new Muppets movie you were “forced” to go to with your kids
5. Thirtythreeandcounting – An amazingly sincere blog about self discovery and weight loss
6. The Wanderer – Where it’s ok if a picture is just worth one or two words, too
7. Pithypants – Writing that instantly turns that frown upside down. Hey, that’s not an upside down frown, that’s a smile!
8. Cushman’s Chronicles – Finding faith in life and life in faith
9. Likethehours – Join him on his adventures in China. Also, if you’re Mélanie Laurent, join him on a date, already – gosh!
10. Keta’s Potluck – Although not on WordPress, her autobiographical stories always inspire heartfelt nostalgia
11. The Good Greatsby – He has his way with words and then never calls them
12. Silva Gang – Where life on a Silva platter is always possible, no matter how broke you are
13. Japecake –Proof you can have your cake and accidentally snort it up your nose with laughter upon reading his blog, too
14. Recording Artist Ava Aston’s Blog – Mr. Bricks – enough said

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12 responses to “A blog a week keeps versatility at its peak

  1. Pretty great post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say that I have very enjoyed reading your blog posts. Any way I’ll be subscribing for ones feed and I hope you write-up again soon.

  2. I just love the way you….write… enormously funny, witty…and by the way, I too, nap. A lot. Birds of a feather…

  3. Thanks for the mention ! And wow, I’m in great company 🙂 So, you caught onto that, eh, that it was I dragging the kids to the Muppets…..

  4. Hey, thanks for the mention! I’m a very good pancake maker, so I’ll mail you a batch in gratitude. Just look for the bulging, soggy envelope that smells like Canada.

    • Hey, mister, if you think I’m the type of lady who would even dare take one bite of some food item that was mailed to me from a perfectly good stranger in a soggy, maple-flavored envelope…

      …we’re going to get along just swimmingly!

      Gratuitous pancakes – score!!

  5. Love love this post!!!! Your sense of humour perks me up!
    PS: I’m scared of peeing in the middle of the night too… probably because I was, ahem, forced, to watch Final Destination… and some movie about babysitters killed and becoming barbie dolls to haunt girls’ house, not that I have any barbie dolls… 😀

    • That’s why I never babysat when I was younger! Who wants to be blatantly unproportional with amazing boobies, legs that stretch a mile long and a super hot boyfriend who can truly rock a pair of khakis? Yeah…who would want that? 😉

      What I mostly got out of your comment is that I should somehow try to bottle my humor and sell it as an alternative to caffeinated beverages like coffee or tea.

      We’re gonna be rich!

  6. Congrats on your award! Your bonus check is in the mail! 😉 Hey, and thanks for the shout out by the way! (insert dorky celebration dance and fist bump here)

    P.S. #7 RULES. I secretly love Taylor Swift songs too. I’ve bought more of her songs on iTunes than any other female artist. I don’t know if that is awesome or sad, but I’m going to go with awesome. 🙂

    • No worries – your secret is safe with me and my 570+ other followers! Now that I think about it, I should probably compare how many I had to how many I may lose over the weekend once they read #7. 😉 KIDDING!

      Buuuuut…is there some sort of equation that factors in Taylor Swift while calculating a precise percentage of how “cool” we are? Carry the two….and yup – the answer is definitely equal to awesome!

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