My patooty won me an award. Finally.

Happy Friday, fellow bloggers! And a happy week it’s been, too, as I was recently the proud recipient of…

…well, shoot, let’s do this properly. Altogether: mouths agape! Eyes widened! Breath bated! And, try bristling a little with curiosity.  

I can tell you’re into this now. Except, maybe bristle just a BIT more. It’s honestly so sweet of you, really. Don’t be afraid to go completely bug-eyed. Think Katy Perry, not Renee Zellweger.

I think we’re ready. So, without further ado, I’ve won…

Sure it's exciting, but can we do something about all

The Glitter E. Yaynus Award.

Say it loud! Say it proud! Say it fast and then gasp in horror upon finally realizing what it sounds like a mere five days after receiving it! (Hey, I get it! I GET it! Wow, that is so undignified. Thinks about it a little longer. Then…giggles. Giggles more.)

So anyway, I spent way too long trying to figure out what the letter “E” stood for before coming to that realization. Glitter? Sure – I’m a girl. All my makeup and lotion contain glitter. (Don’t worry about the lighting, nightclub, it’s the weekend and your human disco ball is on its way!) Yaynus? Like Festivus, why not? But the“E.” That stubborn “E.”

“E” is for epiphany.

I never expected to get to this point in my blogging career and yet – here we are! I don’t know how I can possibly go about reaching higher goals with my writing now. It’s quite likely I won’t be able to handle the pressure and will lock myself in my bedroom meticulously cleaning every key on my keyboard as an excuse to why I have writer’s block. All thanks to MJ, evil stepmom.

No, really. THANK YOU.

And that covers the thanking the nominator portion of the evening. We’re setting a good pace in this award shit show (hah) already. Feel free to sit back in your chairs now if you’d like. Bathroom breaks are still not allowed.

Well, you should have went before!

The next rule requires me to run across the highway blindfolded. That’s just ridiculous. Good thing I was in high school track and have an instinctive sense of direction. I can always tell where the ice cream is in a packed freezer.  Challenge accepted.

Aaaand…back! As it turns out, I am not as spry as previously thought. MJ, I’ll be sending my doctor bills your way. Thanks to you, I’ll never be able to dance atop a bar to Journey again. (Bummer)

Next, I must confess five things about me that make others want to kill me.

1. If you tell me a story that lasts longer than two minutes, I will indefinitely drift off and start planning my next meal. It’s always about my next meal. You say you’re worried about losing your job? In deciding between spaghetti and sushi, I think it’s obvious who has bigger problems at hand.

2. I’m about to win HGTV’s 2012 Dream Home. Hey, we can’t all win dream homes. But we can be good sports and send me housewarming gifts. *muffled coughing – SLAP CHOP – muffled coughing*

I'll never have to learn to properly cut onions - take that, society!

3. I will pull out in front of you in traffic. I’m late and you’re in my way. Since you’re obviously the one in the wrong, I’m betting you’ll slow down and all without flipping me the bird because at least you’re clearly ahead of me in line at Heaven’s Gate.

4. I take forever getting ready. Probably because I can never get all that glitter off.

5. I hate The Goonies. Ahhhh, it’s so boring! I can’t even get through the first half hour! Fine. Five minutes. Ok, opening credits – you got me. Can’t we just all sit down and watch The Sandlot together?

Moving right along. In accordance to the award rules, I must now list five things I’d be willing to stick up my patooty if forced to. Right. Nnnno! I will instead  list five reasons I am absolutely unable to abide by this rule, even if I wanted to. (I don’t)

1. I’m a lady.
2. Ladies simply don’t have the anatomy.
3. Or bowel movements.
4. And we certainly don’t toot. Ever. Fact.
5. No means no!

Know what else ladies don’t do?

Lastly, I must pass this (coveted) award to five deserving bloggers. Without further avail:

  1. The Byronic Man – Because I have no reason to kill you. Yet.
  2. Becoming Cliché – There’s no way to be cliché with tush topics – I checked.
    The Good Greatsby – Your responses will indefinitely coin the term “Good Greatsby!”among a shocked blogosphere.
    The Occasional Wine – Because redesigning a blog WITHOUT  glitter is just irresponsible.
    Japecake – Get out your baseball glove, because this award is flying straight outta left field.

16 responses to “My patooty won me an award. Finally.

  1. Don’t stop believin’!

    • Always reminds me of the Family Guy episode where everyone is at a funeral and they can hear Journey playing at the bar across the street. They drop the coffin and run cuz…it’s Journey!

  2. Dearest Glitter E. Yaynus: no butts about it, you are head of the ass in my book… er… I mean head of the class. 🙂 Funny post CB!

  3. Well…erm…well..erm, ok then..Congratulations, my friend!!! I had a good giggle.. thanks! 😆

  4. Isn’t another stipulation of this award that you must also confess how many people you’ve biblically killed.

  5. Still laughing!! i think we might be related!!!

  6. Well done. I’m still not sure how I’m supposed to feel about this “award”, but knew you’d produce an amusing post. Did I not call it, that you’d go for the pie chart! (Most excellent!) And dont worry, I’m sure you’ll be dancing on bars again….see, in order to do that in the first place, quite a bit of alcohol is usually involved, which means a) you’ll feel no pain and b) the dancing isnt as great as you think….

  7. Happy Friday to you too!!!

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