Espress-oooh, shit! Oncoming traffic!

It’s all over the news this week – a newly invented portable espresso machine that plugs into your car’s cigarette lighter (Ah, the irony of replacing one bad habit with another). Although it’s not yet being sold in the U.S., it’s (surprise, surprise) making strides in Europe and a travel-sized model is available online for all those outdoor activities in which premium espresso is essential. Camping. Skiing. Whitewater rafting.

"Who's got the espresso machine? Pete? Pete! Espresso me!" (Image: adventuredrop.com)

Finally, a mug full of scalding liquid available instantaneously right when you need it – in the middle of a rigorous mountain biking session! Don’t worry, don’t worry – it comes with two small napkins. As if anyone would be clumsy enough to spill while skydiving. Rookies, all of ya!

To those outdoor enthusiasts who can’t go without the sauce for a weekend or even a few hours: I think you’re missing the point.

It’s called the rugged outdoors. Espresso doesn’t exactly scream “I’m one with wilderness!” The most premium thing about any of the above activities is the social acceptability of peeing wherever and on whatever you choose.

If you read the article, you’ll see it’s really quite simple to set up the machine in your car. Just a few steps and you’ll be driving recklessly on the road during all of them! I mean, in no time!

1. Locate thermos.
2. Wash thermos from last time you used it. (JK. Like you’ll be alive to use it more than once)
3. Pour water into thermos.
4. Get into car.
5. Place pod over thermos.
6. Screw on top of thermos.
7. Hit “on” button.
8. Wait two minutes.
9. Take thermos out of machine.
10. Pour espresso into tiny cup without lid.
11. Replace thermos.
12. All while driving!!

Yeah, I can see how this would be so much quicker than making it yourself at home. God forbid you multitask while you’re getting ready for work, or drive through a Starbucks on your way. It’s not like they’re hard to find or there’s only one in town.

"But dad - I'm not tall enough to see the road!" "Just steer a few moments longer, Timmy. Daddy needs his caffeine fix." (Image: delish.com)

Well. Unless you live in my town. But even then, there’s not a line because – Nebraska!

My favorite part about this whole article is the image delish.com decided to include. It’s not someone in the passenger seat safely pouring espresso for the person, oh say, driving the car. That would just be stupid! Rather, the image shows a man using both hands to pour it himself. Eyes on the prize, am I right? But there’s a catch! He appears to be driving, too!

Impressive.

It could be he’s incredibly gifted at driving with his knees, or he has his five-year-old holding the wheel while he grabs a cup of joe. Maybe he’s at a stop light or better yet, parked somewhere. (My bet is on top of another car he just collided with)

So I’ll buy it. He’s parked. And this is saving time how again?

At least if you’re still alive after pouring the espresso, you can keep one hand on the wheel as the next adventure of trying not to spill the tiny mug begins. Because why on earth would a portable espresso machine come with a cup holder? Cars normally drive so smoothly.

Are you supposed to shot the steaming liquid?

With the inclusion of two spillage napkins, I can only conclude that Handpresso must consider spilling not only inevitable, but somehow acceptable. Man, this espresso is good, and the upside is that it’s going to smell like espresso in my car forever because espresso has spilled into the backseat, onto the floor mats, and it’s even on my suit just in time for the big presentation. Yay, espresso!

A person would reaaaaally have to enjoy espresso. Like, more than your life, which is valued at $199.99, by the way. The portable espresso machine, however?

Priceless.

Sure, there will be some skeptics. “How is this in any way a good idea?” they’ll ask.

“Keeps ‘em awake! Less accidents!” Handpresso advocates will gush, clearly too loaded on caffeine to bother with complete sentences.

According to the article, you’ll never fall asleep while driving again. I believe it! Cuz you’ll be too busy. Being dead.

"Aw, are the waser wights getting in your wyes?" "Yes! Trying to drive here!" "...pussy." (Image: lazercraze.com)

I’ve taken the liberty to get the ball rolling on some other car-friendly, portable essentials I think could really change the course of present day driving (literally):

1. Laser tag
2. Shower
3. A fully stocked bar
4. Shooting range
5. Hot plate

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20 responses to “Espress-oooh, shit! Oncoming traffic!

  1. Bwahaha! Okay, so level with me here. If espresso doesn’t exactly scream “I’m one with wilderness,” how about a cappucino or a latte? I really thought those were more rugged… and I really thought I had people fooled with that iced Starbucks frap. 😉 No?

    • There is nothing more rugged than the possibility of milk going bad in a latte from being in the wilderness away from a fridge for an extended period of time. Now THAT is hardcore!

  2. If one disregards how redundant and vapidly consumerist the Handpresso is, and evaluated the machine solely on its functional merits then………why on earth have a cup? Maybe, once the machine is done you could just sip espresso from it, sans pouring? I don’t know.

    I like the other ‘car-friendly’ products and activities though, stationary bicycle, free weights, sensory deprivation chamber, fog machine, and maybe an ironing board could round out the mix.

    • No shit…that would probably save Handpresso from a lot of McDonald’s-esque court cases when drivers spill hot lava coffee all over themselves from being unable to control the liquid in that tiny cup.

      The fog machine has definitely won me over! As long as it doesn’t have that weird smell that most other fog machines have, like musty socks. Of course, if you’re spilling coffee everywhere and lifting weights, I’m sure the musty sock smell is inevitable either way…

  3. Ok, so maybe I wont mention how excited i was when I saw this…..but I want it for our boat. (alittle bit more responsible and less addiction-feeding) 🙂

  4. Sold! I can’t wait until I’m driving (more) recklessly while pouring myself a nice hot shot of expresso in the world’s tiniest cup. This could be the end of the world as we know it. Starbucks be warned. Hmm Starbucks. Come to think of it… maybe I’ll just settle for a Tall White Chocolate Mocha instead…

    • That is my new favorite drink there! Gosh. Now I might just have to slip outta work this afternoon and get an iced one. The vanilla latte is amazing, too!

  5. And where am I supposed to put the half-and-half and the sweetener? Hmmm??? Call me when they figure THAT out.

    • Valid point! Should probably have a warming station, too. I bet those small cups get cold fast, what with all the careless driving one would be preoccupied with…

  6. Personally, the handspresso machine is fucking awesome. I think I’ll wander across the border and pick one of those babies up so I can drive reckless and veer in and out of lanes and run through random radar traps, only to be pulled over by a pissed off officer, then I’ll offer the nice officer a cup of espresso. I won’t get a ticket or nothin’…everybody knows how much cops love coffee! He’ll think I’m awesome for offering him a hot cup of java and put me in the back of the squad car so he can tell all the other nice police people about my awesome travelling machine. Then he’ll take me on down to the station to tell everybody else. I’ll only stay in cells because he doesn’t want me to get accosted by all the other police people clamoring around me to see my new machine and wanting a cup of my awesome espresso. I’ll be soooo popular. I got it made!!!

    • Sounds like you have it all figured out! (You’d prolly get an awesome story/blog out of that scenario, too!)

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