It’s all over the news this week – a newly invented portable espresso machine that plugs into your car’s cigarette lighter (Ah, the irony of replacing one bad habit with another). Although it’s not yet being sold in the U.S., it’s (surprise, surprise) making strides in Europe and a travel-sized model is available online for all those outdoor activities in which premium espresso is essential. Camping. Skiing. Whitewater rafting.
Finally, a mug full of scalding liquid available instantaneously right when you need it – in the middle of a rigorous mountain biking session! Don’t worry, don’t worry – it comes with two small napkins. As if anyone would be clumsy enough to spill while skydiving. Rookies, all of ya!
To those outdoor enthusiasts who can’t go without the sauce for a weekend or even a few hours: I think you’re missing the point.
It’s called the rugged outdoors. Espresso doesn’t exactly scream “I’m one with wilderness!” The most premium thing about any of the above activities is the social acceptability of peeing wherever and on whatever you choose.
If you read the article, you’ll see it’s really quite simple to set up the machine in your car. Just a few steps and you’ll be driving recklessly on the road during all of them! I mean, in no time!
1. Locate thermos.
2. Wash thermos from last time you used it. (JK. Like you’ll be alive to use it more than once)
3. Pour water into thermos.
4. Get into car.
5. Place pod over thermos.
6. Screw on top of thermos.
7. Hit “on” button.
8. Wait two minutes.
9. Take thermos out of machine.
10. Pour espresso into tiny cup without lid.
11. Replace thermos.
12. All while driving!!
Yeah, I can see how this would be so much quicker than making it yourself at home. God forbid you multitask while you’re getting ready for work, or drive through a Starbucks on your way. It’s not like they’re hard to find or there’s only one in town.
Well. Unless you live in my town. But even then, there’s not a line because – Nebraska!
My favorite part about this whole article is the image delish.com decided to include. It’s not someone in the passenger seat safely pouring espresso for the person, oh say, driving the car. That would just be stupid! Rather, the image shows a man using both hands to pour it himself. Eyes on the prize, am I right? But there’s a catch! He appears to be driving, too!
It could be he’s incredibly gifted at driving with his knees, or he has his five-year-old holding the wheel while he grabs a cup of joe. Maybe he’s at a stop light or better yet, parked somewhere. (My bet is on top of another car he just collided with)
So I’ll buy it. He’s parked. And this is saving time how again?
At least if you’re still alive after pouring the espresso, you can keep one hand on the wheel as the next adventure of trying not to spill the tiny mug begins. Because why on earth would a portable espresso machine come with a cup holder? Cars normally drive so smoothly.
Are you supposed to shot the steaming liquid?
With the inclusion of two spillage napkins, I can only conclude that Handpresso must consider spilling not only inevitable, but somehow acceptable. Man, this espresso is good, and the upside is that it’s going to smell like espresso in my car forever because espresso has spilled into the backseat, onto the floor mats, and it’s even on my suit just in time for the big presentation. Yay, espresso!
A person would reaaaaally have to enjoy espresso. Like, more than your life, which is valued at $199.99, by the way. The portable espresso machine, however?
Sure, there will be some skeptics. “How is this in any way a good idea?” they’ll ask.
“Keeps ‘em awake! Less accidents!” Handpresso advocates will gush, clearly too loaded on caffeine to bother with complete sentences.
According to the article, you’ll never fall asleep while driving again. I believe it! Cuz you’ll be too busy. Being dead.
I’ve taken the liberty to get the ball rolling on some other car-friendly, portable essentials I think could really change the course of present day driving (literally):
1. Laser tag
3. A fully stocked bar
4. Shooting range
5. Hot plate