iPhone? More like iCry. iHateYou, iPhone. iReallyDo.

I’ll be heading left if you need me. Just follow the trail of bitter tears. (Photo credit: ukhorseracinganalyser.com)

Today, a recent poll from coworkers within my department who also have iPhones revealed that I am the only one stupid enough to regularly (attempt to) update my phone’s iOS software. Always a catastrophe and never an over-exaggeration, the process of updating this software equates to a lifetime in an endless abyss of faulty Internet connections and blank-staring Apple support personnel.

I approach these updates grimly, especially after the first time updating the phone took more than two hours. Nowadays I take care to fit updates into my schedule only upon making peace with the fact it will mind-numbingly erase a few hours out of my life to do so. Today, I’m going for the world record of one whole day! That’s right, bloggers – I haven’t had my phone for almost an entire day. And I’m still functioning. Muahahaha!

Don’t look so scared; maniacal titters are how I always laugh…

It’s honestly unnecessary to back away slowly like that. I’m fine. I’m fiiiiine!

I know I’ve  become overly reliant on technology when I forget how to use old methods of communication. Scarcely will I call anyone, even Clayton (Why should I when I get to hear “Just Another Night” by the Real McCoy if I hold out until he calls me?) when texting is available, and you mean to tell me there’s an actual website for Pinterest and not just an app? Ah, but I have to be near a computer. And here I was thinking all dinosaurs were extinct.

What do dinosaurs and Apple have in common? They’re both dead to me. (Photo credit: geologicresources.com)

Some (all) say I’m on my phone too much, as was the case when we went to South Dakota last weekend. On the drive there, Clayton looked at me cautiously as if approaching a newborn baby before gently (with terror flooding his facial features) saying, “Now, when we’re on this vacation, I don’t want to see you on the phone the whole time…”

Cue my response (“Of course, no problem!”) as horror drained all blood from my face. Quickly looking away, I had to refrain from tucking and rolling out of the car right then and there.

Back to present day. My updating woes began again yesterday when I knew I couldn’t put it off any longer. When more than one app has a red dot (or is it a star, oh, GOD, I’m already forgetting!!!) next to it, I slowly drive myself crazy not being able to update, especially if an iTunes connection is needed and I’m nowhere around a dinosaur. Now I know what you’re thinking: Drive yourself crazy? Girl, you hit crazy five paragraphs ago.

Well, then.

Maybe.

If so, that craziness is justified as my latest update went horribly wrong and my phone was unable to connect to the computer long enough to finish before going into an emergency shut-down. I lost everything. EVERYTHING. Cue my fairly reasonable, dignified response: falling to my knees, hands reaching dramatically upward, cursing the sky.

Still I kept my cool (really, I did) and decided to restart the computer and phone, plug them back in and see what the next day brought. I woke up to no alarm because of course it’s on the phone, which no longer provided me anything more than a conveniently flat skipping stone just begging to be thrown into the nearest lake. As we got ready for work, I made certain to passive-aggressively tell Clayton (within earshot of my phone, still pathetically attached to the computer):

“You know what? No, I don’t even want it anymore. That’ll show it. Ya hear me? (slyly glancing in the direction of the phone) Don’t connect with the computer for all I care; you’re nothing to me! Nothing!”

“Is it working?” I whispered to Clay out of the corner of my mouth, pretending to slip on heels without a care in the world, humming cheerfully, even.

“Nope!” he replied back, joy in his eyes but also…was that fear?

I flounced from the room. “Good. Excellent. Why use a phone when I have a computer at work?” I said. “I DON’T NEED YOU!” I shouted in the direction of the phone while viciously attacking my hair with a brush in the bathroom.

Clayton began to look worried.

Taking stock of the situation, I  realized that the relationship I had with my phone constantly fluctuated between a horrible domestic relationship and a parent/child relationship.

“Try getting three bars of reception from the bottom of this lake, jerk! We’re so over!” (Photo credit: catalogs.com)

Here’s why:

Horrible domestic relationship

  1. I’m in constant denial. I often find myself thinking I can change it, or that updating is going to be different this time. This frame of thought quickly turns to self-doubt. (Is it something I did? Did I not plug it in tightly enough? I can change; I swear!)
  2. I’m pretty sure Clayton thinks it’s the “other guy” in our relationship, which is fair enough because sometime I sneak off with it so he doesn’t see I’m using it so much.
  3. Trying to work on the relationship (update the phone) ends with a bad connection every time.
  4.  Over-emotional yelling and crying mixed with obscenities and empty threats have become standard.
  5. So has immediately forgiving and forgetting once things go back to normal.

    There, there – we’ll get you all patched up. (Photo credit: ecohomeresource.com)

Parent/child relationship

  1. When my phone refuses to “talk” to my computer, I have to remind it to play nice.
  2.  I stay with it when it’s down for the count and unable to update, holding it steadily to the port like a mother would hold her child’s hand when he or she is sick.
  3. I say encouraging things to it even though I know it’ll never be good at soccer.
  4. As it gets older and stops obeying my commands, I constantly find myself crying “What do you want from me?!”
  5. Like a mother sends her kid to school for the first time, I decide the phone will be ok updating itself too early, only to find it won’t ever do so unless I’m in the room. Finally, I find myself making the “stay” motion with both of my hands, cautiously and carefully, desperately trying not to disturb it before saying “I’m just going into the bathroom to do my hair and make-up. If you need me, I’ll be here in a second!”
  6. After it’s been bad and won’t update, I tell it defiantly that “No, we are not stopping at Apple now, and no dessert for you!”
  7. If Clay tries to approach the phone when an update is in process, I hush him before whispering, “It’s very shy – shhh, you might scare it!” When Clayton says he can fix it, I then tell him that it will update when it’s ready.
  8. With my computer ready to crash any day, I’m convinced my phone is hanging out with the wrong crowd.

I’m glad this is a three-day weekend, because I’m sure I’ll be spending at least another day daring, betting, praying and begging that iTunes progress bar to make it all the way to “Finish.”

Until then, I better wrangle myself up a fashionable straight jacket.

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28 responses to “iPhone? More like iCry. iHateYou, iPhone. iReallyDo.

  1. I had to help my mother in law and one of my co-workers update their iPhones too. Sad thing is that I have a Droid! 😉 Apple really needs to stop the madness! All this funny business of linking iTunes, iCloud… iGoingCrazy!

  2. Oh, and I’ve nominated you for the Kreativ Blogger award (I didn’t choose the spelling. I am sorry): http://miriamjoywrites.wordpress.com/2012/05/30/i-won-a-baf-a-blog-award/

  3. Yeh, this is why God created teen-aged sons; he keeps me up on all this lest I embarrass him in public. And he mows the lawn !

    • I love mowing the lawn! Except all the edges. I need someone to go around the perimeter a few times, and sure, by then the job’s almost done, but by God, am I good at supervising and giving myself a good, self-entitled pat on the back and “job well done!”

    • How insensitive of you to remind me that all my dodo bird pals are extinct! Thanks a LOT! *Sniffle*

      Also, thank you for this most prestigious award. Is there a print-out certificate of sorts I can hang on my fridge?

      • hey, sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but I guess flightless = lifeless.

        As for a suitable-for-framing fridge certificate, I’ve got a sweatshop full of 3rd graders cranking them out. Stay tuned!

        • How are those damn, evil emus still alive then?

          As long as you’re giving them one 10-minute PB&J break a day…I suppose I’m alright with that. I sure hope you screened for the kids who already know how to cut along the edges straight. At that age, it’s a risky business.

          • Ooh, that gives me an idea–fire all the kids and hire emus! Besides, I’ve had too many injuries and worker’s comp claims (most settled out of court, at the local 7-11–amazing what you can get a kid to do–or not do–for $20 worth of candy and a Slurpee…)

  4. No one is allowed to speak ill of the cult of Apple, Cassie.

    No one.

    • Did it, done it, do it again. I’m right here, Apple! Come and get me! (Like they couldn’t just use the GPS tracker on my phone for their own, soulless needs…)

  5. Haha, I LOVE your post…can so relate to those techie issues…and I LOVE the dino! Thanks for the giggles..but pleeeze don’t iCRY!! 😆

    • iThink everyone can! The best was when I got the phone working again but couldn’t remember my Apple password in the heat of the moment. So, iForget wouldn’t let me log on. iDefinitelyFreakedOut.

  6. Ha ha ha! I don’t have an iPhone, but I have many, many technology issues. For a start I broke eight web browsers on my old laptop (I didn’t even know there were that many). Then my Kindle only charges if the plug is in at exactly the right angle, so I have to blu-tack it, because I ran the plug over with my chair wheels and it got bent. My phone decided to wipe itself, losing all my apps, contacts and messages. And I STILL can’t get my camera to talk to me.
    I hope your phone learns to behave soon… if you wear a straight jacket you won’t be able to type, and without your blog posts how will I get my quota of funny? 😛

    • Wow, girl – you have had your fair share of faulty devices! Now I know who to consult next time one of mine goes haywire. That is, if I can move my arms. Maybe we should start some sort of support group in the meantime… 🙂

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