Can you pick up my dry cleaning? It’s for Jesus!

Most people aren’t immediately aware that becoming a member of the church automatically enlists them to freely give of their time or money throughout the year to help with various church organizations and events. Upon registering with my local church to become the godmother of a friend’s child, I’ll be the first to admit I didn’t see that first philanthropic phone call coming.

I’ve paid so many late fees renting this movie, I may as well own it. Except that would be way more embarrassing, obviously. (Photo credit: en.wikipedia.org)

Church committees are sly about it, initially calling on a weekend night when inhibitions and guards are down. As I looked at the caller ID and picked up the phone, I remember thinking, this must just be the movie store calling to remind me my movies are overdue.

That happens a lot.

Five minutes later, the guilt  from saying no to cleaning the church that next Sunday set in, even though I was legitimately out of town and unable to help anyway.

I’ll give it to those committees – they are as steadfast in their phone calls as they are in their faith…faith that they will eventually convert me into a minion to do their bidding, that is. Newbies are predictable, I guess. It wasn’t two months later when I received my second phone call, this time requesting watermelon for a salad luncheon.

It wasn’t a request though, as much as it was an order, sent from God Himself through the  soft-spoken mouth of a Catholic Mother.

Oh, He’s good.

How do you say “no” to that? Ya can’t. And you certainly can’t say you’re busy or “accidentally” forget about it, because they ask you well ahead of time, before you have a chance to make weekend plans.

Catholic Mother: “I’m calling to verify you’ll be bringing 12 cases of root beer to the root beer float box social on Aug. 13, 2014?
Me: “But that’s almost two years away…”
Catholic Mother: “Make it Barq’s. ‘Preciate it!”

And, they send out reminder postcards now. Like dentist offices. Like save the dates. Except this time, you’re saving the date for your (God willing) eventual entry into heaven – one gallon of cubed watermelon and dusted pew at a time. In the constant battle between laziness and guilt, guilt wins every time. Then again, I suppose that’s what being a good Catholic is all about.

You’d think with their commanding presence, they could take the time to make it look authentic by at least Photoshopping out the watermark… (Photo credit: shutterstock.com)

A week later, I’m teetering in my high heels across the church parking lot before work, a gallon of watermelon in a plastic bag (They’re also very specific about what they want. The reminder postcard is basically like a ransom note: “We’ve got your soul. Bring a gallon baggie of  watermelon cut into cubes no larger than one inch if you want to save it.”) weighing me down, but lightening my conscience.  As I smiled brightly to the two elderly women accepting food, I noticed there wasn’t even a checklist from which to cross out my name in pen, permanently acknowledging my gracious contribution.

I reminded myself that God is omniscient.

Let’s fast forward to two months later.  As my family and I sat in church a few Sundays ago, a reminder of the upcoming annual bazaar boomed in my ear. My brother, mom and dad all smiled at me knowingly, beaming with pride that their daughter has finally taken on a responsible role within the church.

…it was coming.

The phone rang last night. Running on the treadmill, I wondered again who was on the other end of the line, thinking it was my friend calling from his landline since he had just gotten back into town to visit for a few days.

I’m like one of those kids who answers the door even though they see Stranger Danger and a white, unmarked van on the other side. I just don’t learn.

This time, the ante was sufficiently upped.

I had a choice (that’s what SHE called it, anyway). I could help the Catholic Mothers (yet, couldn’t help dwelling on the fact I was NOT actually a mother) cook pounds upon pounds of roast beef on Thursday and Friday or I could monitor the roast beef for hours on Sunday. Because I work Thursday and Friday and knew I wouldn’t even be able to monitor my own heart rate if forced to watch over roast beef for hours on end, I was given one last choice:

I could donate $10 to the bazaar fund and make two desserts.

Two desserts? That’s putting a lot of faith in the cooking capabilities of a person you’ve never even met… Ah, I see the connection now… (Photo credit: kevinneeld.com)

Now, don’t get me wrong. I am so willing to help out, especially for the church and for any good cause. I want you to know that this blog and my stubborn will associated with it is all in good humor. That being said, the request seemed a little much for how frequently they contact me. If there are 400 people in this church and this organization calls all of them to contribute, couldn’t we just all bring one dessert and $10? Can’t I just sit the bench on this one event?

It seemed I couldn’t, because I was getting played.

As she got off the phone, she reminded me that they strongly prefer the desserts to be homemade. I guess Fiber One Chewy Bars “fresh from the oven” are out of the question. 

As I write out my check and look to Pinterest for some good dessert recipes, I can’t help but wonder what the next few years of phone calls may bring. One day in the future, will I be asked to:

1. Write the homily?
“Father decided to go scuba diving this weekend. You don’t mind, do you? Make it about sheep straying from the herd.”

2. Teach bible school for the day?
“You don’t have a record, do you? Fantastic, be there at 8 a.m. Oh, yes – the kids will be terribly cranky from just waking up. You’ll be fiiiiiine.”

3. Be a better Samaritan?
“What you’re doing right now is good, but it could be better. Now if you gave me that Starbucks iced vanilla latte you ordered, that would be a step in the right direction…”

4. Fast for the month?
“So go ahead and don’t eat hardly anything this month. We’re all taking turns. For Jesus. By the way, can you take my turn? I’m up for next month. Thaaanks.”

5. Make the wine?
“It’s easy, all you have to do is grow some grapes, harvest them and make the wine. It’s not like I’m asking you to turn it into Jesus’ blood…”

7. Repaint the parking lot lines?
“But you said you were an artist…”

8. Come up with a few new hymns?
“The standard Alleluia is getting a little worn. Maybe try some gentle, G-rated rap – the parishioners will LOVE that.”

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6 responses to “Can you pick up my dry cleaning? It’s for Jesus!

  1. The reason you keep getting calls is because you keep saying yes. There are two types of church goers – those who feel guilty and agree to anything they can (immediate visions of my mother) and those who politely but firmly refuse unless there is something in particular they really want to help with. That’s from my experiences of the C of E but as far as I can tell they’re all the same they want your money, time and sanity

    • I just figure, if I can and am able to contribute, what’s really stopping me from doing it – selfishness or lack of time or money? I guess I say “yes” because in light of all the fun things I spend my time and money on, I can surely afford to give to the church when they call.

      Plus all the guilt, of course. 😉

  2. You should be thankful that all you get are calls! I get the people who stop by and won’t leave! (How do they get by the gate and the hounds?! Is Jesus helping them?!). Hmmm. Anyway, so this one time, one of them offered to help me re-tile our floors! Seriously… he offered to help with hard labor. Goddarnit, why do these church people have to be the nicest people on the face of the Earth? It’s really hard to say no to them, isn’t it?

    • It is! If someone comes to your door soon, can you send them in my direction?? I have a broken oven drawer I can’t seem to fix on my own. 😉

  3. Must say I’ve never gotten such a call….I have gotten a few e-mails though!

    • Ooh, even more sneaky! I haven’t gotten one of those yet. They should try homing pigeons. I would SO say yes to whatever they asked because…homing pigeon!

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