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Things much scarier to me than Halloween

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Ghosts lets skeletons out of closet

Tonight, on a brand new episode of “Apparition Pursuers”…
Ghost hunters tackle some of the world’s most compelling and age-old questions about ghosts – from the apparitions, themselves! For the first time in history, we’ve documented live accounts of real ghosts baring their souls, able to tell their side of the story at long last. During this episode:

  1. Unlock secrets from ancient spirits full of Christmas spirit during an exclusive interview with the infamous Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future
  2. Gain insight on what really occurs during a haunting (Hint: They’re not craving your fear)
  3. Uncover the real story behind a ghastly encounter one ghost calls “eerie, haunting and…kinda phoned in.”

Key: Interviewer – I; Past –Pa; Present –Pr; Future –F; Little Girl –LG; Ghost 1 –G1; Ghost 2 –G2; Ghost 3 –G3

Note: All questions asked by interviewer in low, menacing tones. All camera shots of interviewees (ghosts) cast at creepy angle, ¾ in shadow to respect each individual’s privacy.

I: “Let’s start off easy. What are the tricks of the trade during a typical haunting?”

G1: “First off, Tom – may I call you Tom?”

I: “My name’s Hank.”

G1: “Well, Tom, first of all, people who presume they’re being haunted need to get off their high horse. We’re just normal people who, you know, can be walked through and who may or may not have been dead for hundreds of years and perhaps don’t realize it. Nudges Ghost 3, who looks up bewilderedly from unsuccessfully trying to snag a chicken sandwich from the buffet table. Some of us aren’t the brightest visions in the netherworld, if you get my drift.

Truth is, more often than not, we’re up at night with a case of the midnight munchies. It’s not always all about you, ok? Take this recent show about hauntings on the Discovery channel, for instance.” Whips out footage of woman being interviewed about a personal haunting. Fast forwards through first five minutes, then presses play. “OK, see there? Right there? When she says that I was approaching her slowly with an ominous, grave look?”

G1: “Totally constipated that day.”

I: “Right. Moving on. What can we learn from ghosts in a concerted effort to live harmoniously among each other?”

"YOU try looking attractive underneath a frumpy white sheet." - every ghost ever

G2: “Maybe, uh….maybe stop with all the screaming, ya know? It’s loud, unnecessary and quite honestly, kind of degrading. I mean, I had girls run off screaming when I asked them on dates way back in the ‘20s, but now? Don’t be mean; it’s rude. We’re all grown-ups here. Well, except for the ghost of that little girl lingering over there.”

Camera pans over to purely evil little girl who died tragically upon falling in a well.

LG: Casts a stilted smile in camera man’s direction and with one look, throws him into a mirror, which shatters and leaves him lying stunned on the ground. Slowly proceeds to vanish into thin air, all the while staring threateningly at camera crew.

Ghost 1 shrugs, blushing embarrassedly.

G3: “Yikes.”

I: “What are some common misconceptions about ghosts you’d like to clear up? Stun us.”

G1: “We actually hate graveyards; they’re uber spooky! Now that’s where shit gets real.” Looks nervously at little girl, who motions to zip lips sinisterly. Shudders. “And, the movie, Ghost, with Patrick Swayze? Blatant commercial appeal only. Not even remotely accurate.”

G3: “I hate the Swayze.”

G2: “I’d just like to say that I’d totally leave if they’d stop bringing home Bath and Body works lotion. You know the stuff – Midnight Pomegranate? It’s just delightful. Face it – I’ve grown accustomed to certain standards and am fully prepared to live between worlds forever.”

LG (squealing, still in low, dark tones):  “OMG, OMG!!! I totes love that stuff!!!!”

G2: “Also, we don’t move your stuff around, ok? You misplace things because you’re forgetful.”

G1: “Ultimately, of course, is that you humans have us pegged all wrong. Deep down, we’re good people! We throw your keys at you when you’re running late for work. We turn on the water facet because we know your cat is thirsty. Etc., etc.”

I: “And what about all those documented cases about ghosts killing innocent humans by pushing them down stairs or driving them mad?

G2: “Well, sure, one tiny little death or two.”

G3: “Whoops.”

G1 (puffing out chest proudly): “We get our haunt on, yo!”

Ghost 1 nudged sharply by Ghost 2.

I: “I’m choosing to ignore that. Ok, guys –let’s get a little silly. Ghosts of Past, Present and Future – this one’s for you. What’s your favorite meal?”

Fact: the only scary thing about goulash is how scary good it tastes.

Pa: “Easy. Ghoulash.” (Lets out robust laugh) “Ahahahaha! Just messin with ya!”

Past, Present and Future look at each other, then back at Tom. Errr. Hank.

Pa, Pr and F (in unison): “Tombstone Pizza! We goblin it right up!”

Snickers abound.

Pr (wiping tear from eye with hearty chuckle): “Ok, but seriously, it’s tacos. Soft shell tacos.”

I (sarcastically): “Great. Fantastic. Finally, when you’re not haunting selfish people, what do you like to do in your spare time? Any favorite activities?”

F: “I got this one. Wait for it. Waaaait for it…..Paranormal ones!”

Tom – no, Hank – Tom Hanks? – sighs heavily.

"Here lies Joe. He loved his creatine until he got the guillotine."

F: “Fine. I like to go to the gym and get RIPed, man.”

Pr (faking thoughtfulness): “Take relaxing bloodbaths?”

I: “I’m out of here.”

Pa: “Wait, stay. We’ll be good, promise. Throw us another question straight outta that noodle of yours. Better yet, we’ll ask you a question. Do you ever have premonitions?”

I: “I’ve been regretting doing this interview for numerous reasons for hours, so yes. Sure. Why not. It’s been a nightmare. Why do you ask?”

Ghosts look at one another deviously, then focus attention intently on Hank.

I: “Aw, seriously?!” Jaw drops in shock, microphone clatters to floor. Proceeds to fall in agony before breathing halts. Utters one last, gasping breath.

F: “Wow, he didn’t even see that coming, did he?”

G1: “Eh, that guy was a jerk! Didn’t even giggle once at our puns. Ghoulash! Ghoulash for Pete’s sake! Well, let’s do this then.”

Loud screams and chaos heard as lights flash wildly. Cameras pan out slowly to reveal dead camera crew before all videos turn to static. Audio still records.

Silence.

More silence.

G3: “That Demi Moore in Ghost was a hottie.”

G1: “Welcome to the conversation.”

A girls’ guide to the perfect Halloween costume

(Reposted from my long abandoned blog – I created this quiz last year for Halloween and upon stumbling across it, still had a laugh or two or ten. Hope you do, too!) 

With Halloween just ten days away, do you have a fantastic costume in mind? Let’s face it, Halloween is the one time a year you can dress like a floozy and “get away with it.” So, if you’re still in angst over what sexy lil’ minx you want to be, simply answer the five questions below. Girls, you’re just minutes away from finding just the right costume to uniquely represent your surely amazing personality.

1. Which outfit most closely resembles what you wear on a daily basis?

"Ah-nah-nah-nah. Hands off! This is an antique!"

a. Leggings and an overly-designed, bejeweled T-shirt that doesn’t quite hide the junk in my trunk
b. If it’s casual Friday, expect me to let loose in work-appropriate jeans and a pastel-colored polo
c. Turtleneck, baggy jeans and handcuffs
d. My bikini, so it’s easier to take body shots!
e. Overalls, boots and a no-nonsense attitude

2. What’s your favorite afternoon snack?
a. Cheetos, cuz they match my tan
b. The salt of my own tears in the comfort of a supply closet
c. Savory orecchiette with a light bacon and tomato sauce that’s just delightful
d. Saltwater taffy
e. Muffins

3. What’s your dream man got that no one else does?
a. He takes GTL-ing to an unhealthy level
b. A ladder to remove those pesky glass ceilings for me
c. A good lawyer…

...and an even better filet mignon

d. Legs. Oh, and my father disapproves of him.
e. Lady parts

4. What do you enjoy doing in your spare time?
a. “Writing a book”
b. Kissing ass to get ahead
c. Crocheting my own two-ply toilet paper
d. Hoarding
e. Certainly not woodworking

5. You’re glammed up for a night on the town. Your makeup consists of:
a. Glitter. It’s the herpes of craft supplies!
b. Chap Stick
c. Foundation applied to a cake-like consistency. Mmm, cake.
d. My favorite shade of lipstick: Barely-legal Bright Red
e. Hahahaha, good one

If you answered:

Mostly A’s Sexy Snooki: Your costume isn’t the only thing screaming for attention.

Mostly B’s Sexy Corporate America: The employment rate is dropping, much like your self-esteem.

Mostly C’sSexy Martha Stewart: Every day is a Wednesday for you, because you’re over the hill.

Mostly D’sSexy Lil’ Mermaid: You don’t need a costume-oriented holiday to change who you are for a man.

This Halloween, yooooooouuuu're out! (of the closet)

Mostly E’s Sexy Lumberjill: You’re an oxymoron similar to the term “the best defense is a good offense,” so put on a helmet because you’re batting for the other team.