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For those of you who have never heard of the television show, American Ninja Warrior, it’s going to be ok. Before last weekend, I hadn’t heard of the series either, but I’m confident we’ll get through this initial obstacle together. First things first: breaking the ignorance barrier so you can start living a far more awesome life right here and now.
American Ninja Warrior is a show that recruits contestants from various regions of the U.S. and lets them showcase their athletic agility and abilities by competing through a sequence of courses that include obstacles such as the Salmon Ladder, Warped Wall, Rolling Escargot, Doorknob Grasper and many more with equally imaginative names. Much like Iron Chef America is for the Food Network, G4TV’s American Ninja Warrior is a spin-off from an earlier Japanese series called Sasuke. Yup, we Americans like to take, take, take – especially if there’s a monetary prize up for grabs!
At the end of each season, fifteen final contestants head to Japan (or in this year’s case – Las Vegas) to compete in the last obstacle course – the impressively challenging Mt. Midoriyama, where the winner receives – you guessed it – loads of money!
Maybe that’s why “Midoriyama” means “green mountain” in Japanese.
Contestants usually have a well-balanced athletic background including parkour, mixed martial arts, personal training and other professional sports. Me? I bring to the table the most reckless secret weapon of all: daring to dream. That asset mixed with a hint of sheer clumsiness make me the ultimate badass. Or wildcard. To further specify, shot in hell.
A woman of lists, I put together some reasons why I am or am not qualified to be the next American Ninja Warrior. As you will plainly see, the reasons I’m meant to win seemingly outweigh the reasons I’m not. Besides, being American means I already have a third of this thing in the bag.
The most important thing is that I dream big, always in stealth mode but only sometimes wearing black.
Why I’m meant to be the next American Ninja Warrior
1. I can pronounce “Midoriyama.”
Or, you know. Close enough. I’m not a linguist. But I do love linguini, and sometimes close is close enough (Although I’m not sure ANW careerist but four-season failure David Campbell would agree).
2. I’m sadly ok with Nebraska being lumped into the “Midsouth” region.
When you’re from the Midwest, you tend to set your expectations low that anyone knows where you geographically reside. Instead, Nebraskans are easily impressed if others simply know the state exists in the U.S., or that we have electricity.
3. My tumbling skills are sub-par.
I took tumbling as a kid and was mediocre the whole time; I could never nail the handstand without the help of a wall or person to stabilize me. As an adult, I’ve kept pace with my clumsiness as a child – and then some. This has honed my key talent: I’m not afraid to fall.
Now, falling into the water under the courses that producers somehow dyed cerulean nuclear radiation blue? That’s a whole other story.
4. Three attempts before I can call it a day? SOLD!
Contestants are allowed three attempts to conquer the 14-foot Warped Wall, and I’ve never been an overachiever. Three attempts quietly says, “Hey, I tried, but let’s go see what’s on television now, huh?”
In other words, I also have a lot of Breaking Bad to conquer, so let’s get both shows on the road.
5. I have an inspiring story that sets me apart from the rest.
One time I was peer pressured to steal a troll pencil topper in grade school. I’ve lived with the guilt for 20 years. It’s called adversity, folks.
6. I enjoy free money.
I’m 99 percent sure I’m the only one who possesses this wildly defining quality.
7. I look good in black.
If that’s not a credential, I don’t know what is.
8. I’ve been meaning to spice up my resume.
People take American Ninja Warriors seriously, probably. It’s a title that evokes fear and the promise of threats, but those are just the every day approaches of earning a job.
Why I’m not meant to be the next American Ninja Warrior
1. Seems like a pretty long plane ride to (and fro) Japan.
Who would water my plants while I’m gone? Mail doesn’t collect itself, and my friends will all be busy holding colorful, giant signs possessing my name at Mt. Midoriyama. Signs like “Tuck and Roll (the competition)!!!!”
2. I’m more of a lover.
Although the non-combative obstacle courses are to my liking, no one likes to be a team of one in the game of love.
3. Duh – I’m a girl.
I might break a nail. On the other hand, that would probably feel a lot better than how I’ll feel after receiving the angry hate emails I’m about to get from feminists everywhere.
4. I would collapse under the pressure. Or the Unstable Bridge.
As a lover, I prefer to have crushes, not be crushed.
5. I don’t like being the center of attention.
Well, except on this BLOG, of course…
We’ve been busy this month. With all the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, it’s undeniable. (Still, call me back already, grandma – this is starting to get uncool.)
In fact, as the end of the year approaches, just the simple feat of knowing which way is up anymore (Hint: If you see feet, try again) is cause for a celebratory pat on the back (Hint #2: Up, like the 2009 Disney movie starring Edward Asner, Jordan Nagai and John Ratzenberger).
Yeah, I don’t know who they are either. Bad hint.
Hint #3: The opposite of down. (Ooooooh) All together? Fantastic! Then let’s take a few seconds out of this blog to awkwardly pat ourselves on our backs…NOW!
There. That felt good.
Whether you’ve been preparing, cooking, decorating, buying or just working to pay for it all and silently fuming (this means you, dads of America), rest easy knowing you haven’t had the added stress that residents of Plattsmouth, Neb. have for the last few months. Thankfully, this rural community can now cross one last item off their “To Do” list: recapturing the elusive “Ninja Cow.”
I know what you’re thinking and I thought the same thing! Ugh, didn’t this cow get recaptured way back on Dec. 7?
Oh, you’re not?
Well, it did. So, why did this story, in which even the Wall Street Journal had a say, grace the nation with its presence just this week? Because in Battleship terms, it’s clearly a “hit” for journalists everywhere.
Oh, it’s not?
Hey, just because it’s the week before Christmas… Does that mean everyone’s priorities, including journalists’, should completely shift toward Jesus’s birthday, Christmas presents and embarrassing themselves at work holiday parties? Is it right for the world to virtually come to a halt to partake in these end-of-the-year festivities?
And, what’s “filler?”
This story is obviously newsworthy, if not for the horribly punned headlines it instigated, alone. Why else – pray tell – are there more than three stories about it in the Omaha World Herald alone?
Dads of America aren’t the only ones fuming anymore. Let me introduce you to everyone from Nebraska. We’re a little bit…disappointed…in you, journalists. At the same time, we find this news story inconsiderately hilarious. We’re stifling our smiles behind fists shaken in fury, but even though we reside on some the flattest land in America, we’re choosing to take the high road and laugh along with you.
So, if you haven’t read about the ordeal, which should be global knowledge by now because of its utter significance to EVERYTHING, I’ll give you the basic breakdown:
There’s this cow, it got loose, and because no one could capture it for months, members of the community are saying it was “very smart.” It also happens to be black, so they figured, let’s throw the word “ninja” in there, too. From there spawned the existence of the Ninja Cow. Just naming it seemed to increase its powers.
The arduous task of capturing this ghost cow gained publicity because it became the responsibility of the American people. A duty that national security says was right up there with capturing Bin Laden. Now, I can’t be sure, but the article didn’t say that Black Ops DIDN’T have a hand in capturing the Ninja Cow.
The task increased in urgency because, well, that’s less potential steak for everyone. You don’t get in the way of Nebraskans and their meat. We hand out Omaha steaks as Christmas presents. Plus, multiple stories reported mysterious mud pies found in backyards. AND in front yards. Can you imagine? Mud pies everywhere. THE INHUMANITY!
It was our duty to clean up the doody. Just a little poop joke for you. Merry Christmas!
The whole situation sounds like the beginning of a bad joke: How many Nebraskans does it take to capture a cow? The story starts with a desperate escape made by one daring cow, continues with an overly excessive kill order and ends with an endearing smile and an “Oooooh, yooooou,” combined with an affectionate tap on the Ninja Cow’s chin.
May I comment that the media really went to great lengths to make Nebraskans look good. No, really. Thank you, journalists. Very, uh, thorough reporting on your behalf. But, for what it’s worth, people tried to capture this thing with cow noises made from (stresses the Yahoo story) a laptop. Yes, Nebraska has Internet access now. Just got it a few weeks ago. Changed our lives.
And biscuits and gravy? Seriously? What PEOPLE like biscuits and gravy anymore? Can you blame that poor cow for not obediently coming forth to be captured? I said breakfast pizza, dammit!
So, if this is the first you’ve heard of our state, welcome to the good life. Sit back, grab an ear of grilled corn and a lucious steak, and throw down a few Third Stones because it’s a slow news day here every day. Even the Ninja Cow wanted to give up on life, as the story claims it continuously threw itself against a fence in an effort to escape numerous times before finally giving up.
Nebraska. Our state flower should be the Venus fly trap – it does not let go willingly.
What these stories really get at is a greater underlying story. Namely, that the town of Plattsmouth is in dire need for governmental funds, if not only to better illuminate their streets at night. It gets dark here. Hell, we invented the phrase, “black as night.” Don’t look that up because I can’t back it up. (Hey, I should be a journalist!)
The stories also suggest that reporters evidently need one last monumental event to happen before the end of the year. I’m issuing this blog as a call to action for dictators everywhere. We should only need about one more of you to call it a day in order to make some decent headlines for the remainder of the year ( = more pats on back!!!!!).
This means you, Robert Mugabe. I see you back there, Bashir al-Assad. Don’t be shy.
I’m suggesting that everyone else get back to more important things at hand instead of reading a bunch of hoopla about a rogue cow from Nebraska on the Interwebs.
Except for this blog, of course.
Nebraska was seen taking a romantic stroll through the streets of Columbus with new season Fall, iced coffees in hand. A source told Daily Gossip that Nebraska had eyes only for Fall, though stories of the player state indicate it has dated two other seasons throughout the course of this year, alone. The two lovebirds were reported just returning from Nebraska’s vacation home in Venice, where Fall’s new clothing line, including scarves, leggings and hot new jackets, are just coming out in fashion shows and stores throughout the country.
Nebraska seemed oblivious to the fact it had just gotten out of a serious relationship with previous season, Summer, our Daily Gossip insider commented. As of press time, Summer could not be reached for comment on the matter.
However, “Summer would be crazy to be offended,” a source close to both Nebraska and Summer told the magazine. “They dated for awhile, but Nebraska made it clear from the beginning it wanted to keep the relationship casual.”
Fans report being happy for Nebraska, despite the messy breakup.
“Am I going to miss Summer’s sunny attitude and off-the-charts hotness?” one loyal fan of Nebraska asked. “Of course. But, until Nebraska knows exactly what it’s looking for in a season, I think it’s better off dating around.”
And what better change of pace than a season who’s cool, brisk and colorful personality will keep the state constantly guessing? However, not everyone feels the same.
“I think Nebraska could take a few cues from California,” Summer’s publicist Brett Daniel told the magazine Wednesday. “California knows what season it wants and sticks with it. That’s love. That’s stability. A true relationship. In fact, Summer is currently taking a hiatus from movies to spend some time vacationing with the state.
“California’s been a welcome distraction from the breakup,” he added.
Nebraska will be on set in Ireland within the next few months filming its newest movie to be released in late February, called “A Season for Love.” The state will be shooting the romantic comedy with upcoming star in the business, Winter. Winter, who has also done a fair share of rom-coms, says it is looking forward to filming with Nebraska, because the state is so down to earth and rectangular-shaped.
“Nebraska’s primarily Republican, but has such a great football team, who could resist!” Winter said in an interview shortly after the announcement of the movie.
“Now that’s some terrain I’d love to explore further,” the dubbed ice princess was reported adding suggestively.