Hey, world! We want more obscure Olympic events!

Who hasn’t gotten a kick out of watching women’s handball (“Where are the girls? I don’t see any girls. Wait…yes – there’s one!”) or table tennis (“How did America qualify for this event again?”) during the 2012 Olympics so far? The people who like these unique sports are the same people who probably haven’t watched anything but the Olympics since it started. Even more likely, they only get up from the sofa to grab snack food when Bob Costas comes on air. Blech. It’s times like that I wish Champ Kind was a real sportscaster.

God, I miss his musk…

And after all, why work out, be productive or watch what you eat when watching others accomplish such athletic feats already feels so strenuous? It’s a workout of emotions.

It’s all those McDonald’s commercials, too. Talk about the wrong sponsor for the Olympics. Know how you can make all your Olympic dreams come true? Camera pans over to a glamour shot of fries.

At least I still shower daily. Combine that with clenching and unclenching my body before and after each race, heat, match or routine and hot damn! It’s been a full day!

There are old standby events which are fascinating to watch – swimming, gymnastics and my personal favorite, equestrian, which is never shown because MICHAEL PHELPS!!

Yes, he grew into a mature adult once he hashed out his priorities. No doubt he’s the best swimmer in history. But, can he compete with beautiful, graceful animals jumping over obstacles shaped like miniature versions of planets, chess tables and ancient British architecture? (Well, yeah – probably) NBC, the Tower of London fence called and it wants your priorities back! Oh, and it told me to tell you it’d like to see you  jump over a moon. I think it said “moon,” anyway. Might have been “cliff.”

This jump is simply a pawn in the scope of finishing the entire course.

I figure that emphasis on the classics could be negated by a change of epic (Would the Olympics settle for anything less?) proportions. Sure, they do a great job of incorporating atypical events into the mix, some of which even normal citizens could qualify for.

Yes, race walking, I mean you.

What we’re really missing are those truly challenging, completely random sports. I have a few in mind I think could become the height of Olympic popularity.

1. Dodging traffic
Those who place win more than a medal – their lives!

2. Taco Ride
The Taco Ride in Omaha consists of riding bikes 10 miles for tacos every Thursday, drinking along the way. In the dark. Into Iowa. After filling up on cheap tacos and margaritas, participants ride the 10 miles back. For all those mathematicians out there, that’s a total of 20 miles, 10 of which are spent in agony due to newly-acquired food babies and acid reflux. 

And Olympic Road Race participants thought they had it rough.

Here’s the other thing: The level of difficulty to bike into Iowa willingly and knowingly is infinitely high. This showcases the true power of tacos and good deals – forces that can only be reckoned with in front of thousands at the Olympics. But only on Thursdays.

3. Tumbling
Finally, falling during a routine wouldn’t cost Olympians precious points, but rather, earn them!

Personally, I’d like to see more tripod action in the Olympics.

4. Extreme puzzling
Brain power over muscle power? Whaaa? In this unprecedented event, competitors will try their hand at one of the most exciting hobbies known to man. The only thing more thrilling? Watching them!

(Cuz knowledge is power!)

5. Miniature golf
Who in the world has ever actually gotten a free game on the barred last hole containing three holes that might as well be cutout circles of black fabric? Wait a second…

I can just hear the commentary now:

Bill: “Mike Johnson’s been struggling with his putts through miniature barns all day, Jim.”
Jim: “He’s getting into position and, Bill, look what a nice job he’s doing minding his surroundings as he plans out this next putt into the alligator’s mouth.”
Bill: “Jim, I notice he especially keeps eyeing the concession stand.”
Jim: “Those popsicles are tempting on a hot day like this.”
Bill: “Unbelievable, Jim! He’s breaking his concentration and…yes! He’s walking to the concession stand!”
Jim: “He’s pulling out a five, Bill – I don’t believe it! He’s requested the cherry flavor….he got it! He got it! And he looks like he’s enjoying it thoroughly.”
Bill: Jim, he’s definitely on pace for the perfect miniature golf game today! I haven’t seen this much childlike wonder from him since the Olympic trials in June.”
Jim: “He’ll have to really watch his concentration as he begins the second half of the course though, Bill. That’s when he’ll realize there are 18 more holes left. Hope he has enough money for nachos to give him that extra boost, or he’ll never finish.”
Bill: “Either way he looks at it, with that sugar high, he’ll never get to sleep tonight.”
Jim: “Watch out, Mrs. Johnson!”
Bill and Jim: Look at each other; quiet chuckle

Who’s laughing at those tumbling skills now?

6. Leaving work early without the boss knowing
Imagine Neo finding out agents are after him in the Matrix combined with Mission Impossible. Throw a couple James Bond moves into the mix. The overall obstacle? A maze of cubes, not unlike Office Space. Add a food day in your department, unscheduled fire drill, and a coworker lingering against your cube door because it’s Friday afternoon and productivity is nonexistent. Aaaand, begin!